Saturday, December 10, 2011

Placebo Effect = Hope??? Maybe......

Life is interesting at best, and interesting at worst.  Basically, it's just interesting.  I've had a couple of breakthroughs, a week apart.  I came to some realizations on why I feel the way I do about certain things and certain people and certain events.

There have been many years that I was jealous of death of other people.  They are done with this life, and can move on to bigger and better things.  They don't have the physical pain that is so draining and depressing (at least I hope they don't!)  I feel that they have a better perspective, or the possibility of a better perspective of life and the differences between Earth and where they are.  I wanted for so long to be done with all of it, but mostly because I had hoped that maybe there would be a fondness or a slight concern from those who should care, or anyone really.  It's depressing that there are so many people in this world, and I felt for my entire life that there wasn't anyone who cared what happened to me.  If for a moment I felt that someone did care, then I would latch onto them and cling for dear life since it felt so good to be .... accepted?  Or even semi-valued.

Today I realized that I have never felt any worth from anyone.  Mostly because my dad had been married before and all I had ever heard about was how incredible Millie was.  She was friendly, a great cook, the best mom, the best at everything, she loved her kids and they didn't doubt it one bit, her grandchildren were her life, and so were her flowers and home and husband.  Enter her death and marriage number two that shouldn't have taken place, especially so quickly.  A child that was wanted in theory, but in reality was too much.  I would spend days singing songs to Millie as a child, begging wishing hoping to meet her and be her child.  I wasn't ever good enough for anyone to love or even like.  The girls in my family were beautiful, talented, spiritual, incredible, and couldn't do any wrong.  Then there was the girl who was bigger, not as attractive, "spoiled" (money instead of time), and a failure at learning, doing, or reading minds to know what was expected or even HOW to do things.  I was a disappointment, a beggar, an embarrassment.  Those are heavy things for a kid to grow up with.  Then you have the reinforcement from relationships as you get older.

The most difficult thing is, once you have these realizations, THEN WHAT?  Where do you go with them and where do you put them?  Who is safe to talk to and how are you going to not sabotage every relationship you have with your unworthiness?

I've done some research and started taking an herb at the suggestion of a friend.  It's called 5HTP and whether it's a placebo effect or it's really working, I don't care which at this point, I'm finally feeling a small glimmer of what might be hope.  The anxiety is making me crazy, but it's seeming to dull a little bit.  The depression is hard to manage right now, but there may be a little bit of lightening up on that as well.  The body pain is lessening....... or maybe because I have a bad cold right now, I have to sleep more.  I don't care as long as I can kick all of this.  Life is overwhelming and I'm tired of dragging my family through the mire while I'm sinking...............

How long can placebo effect last?  Well, we are going to find out soon! :)   

Monday, November 14, 2011

The Truth Is..... Better Off Dead

So much has happened since I last posted.

I GOT MARRIED!!!!!!!!    To the most incredible guy in the world.  I have been blessed with so much more than I deserve.  Fantastic husband, 2 bonus kids, a suburban to carry the family,  what more could a girl ask for?  I love him more than I ever thought possible.  I could extol his virtues forever and honestly wish I could be more like him.

I've learned a lot  as well over the past year.  Sometimes, those emotions that have been dead a long time, or past issues that you thought were over, hurt like hell when they are coming back to life.

I have a love hate relationship with October.  Beginning with August and headed into November, October is the longest month with the most chaos.  I thought it would end at some point, but this year was more of the same.  I really hoped things would be different since I have an incredible support system, and they are to some extent.  This year, I do have an incredible husband who loves and supports me.  I just feel unworthy and it's frustrating that it's not fair to him to have a wife having a nervous breakdown.  Besides, it's not attractive. :)

  • The flashbacks from the past are enough that they scare me.  They came back with a vengeance and affect me enough to want to destroy parts that were involved.  

  • The eating disorder, fear, and anxiety are back, but worse this time.  Although I recognize the signs now and am trying to stay alive enough to function.  I'm taking my .4 mg's of anti-anxiety meds just to try to keep on top of it a little bit.  (I considered admitting myself, at least until I could get things under control, but the fear of them not listening to my extremely low drug tolerance and trying to kill me holds me back. haha)

  • There was a conversation with a parent about the different things that had happened, then closeness, then the other parent died, and it's gone, but at least there's a $150 increase per month for them.

  • The other parent died, without knowing how much pain had been inflicted.  There are so many mixed emotions, but at this point, there's jealousy that they are gone and done with this life.  There's anger that no matter what harm was inflicted, there's never going to be an apology.  There's happiness that I'll never have to hear how worthless I am in this life from them again which is a bonus.

  • It's difficult to hear people speak of God's love being compared to the love your parents have for you.  If that's the case, it's very conditional and inconsistent.  

  • I guess you could say that it's a yearly hard reset along with finding out what really matters.  It's time to figure out WHAT to do with the emotions and WHERE to place them.  I thought I had forgiven a lot, but there is still so much pain involved..... and GUILT.  

  • I also physically don't feel good a lot of the time.  They've narrowed it down to the possibility of Fibromyalgia.  My kids have a parent with a chronic illness, they don't need another one.  I could have handled that part of the marriage, and did............. it was the rest that didn't work. 
  • My dream of having more children, is gone.  I had clung to that for so long and thought I was a good mother. Correction: I AM A GOOD MOTHER.  However, having more children physically is not in the cards now.  Not only because of the throw away disease, but because my body could not physically bear more children.  I'm ready to have it all just taken out and get rid of that pain as well.

I'm frustrated.  I'm hurting.  I'm sad.  I'm angry.  I'm devastated.  I'm a myriad of emotions right now and none of them feel right.  None of them feel productive and all of them have to be kept hidden, at least from the children.  They would be pumped for information and it's not fair to them.

My life isn't any worse than anyone else's, but there's still a part of me that feels that none of these things should make a difference in how I function.  It's not like they are new.  I suppose it's because they've been buried for so long.

The Truth is................... Better Off Dead, (at least in the emotions department.)

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


There are so many things in my heart.  Confusion, pain, frustration, and a deep sadness.  Sometimes I think it's not fair the things that we do to our children that cause them to develop behaviors that can be detrimental.  Many times these things aren't intentional, and I certainly don't blame my parents for parenting and thinking errors they have due to the way they were raised.  I do have a firm determination to do my best to rectify the damage.  I also pray, with every fiber of my being, that my children will know how much I love and cherish them.

I have heard once that sometimes it takes a special, chosen generation to end the vicious cycles of abuse.   In my family, I don't know that anyone knows how far back the cycles went.

I had the opportunity to see Sharon tonight, which I needed desperately.  So much has happened, that really isn't much, but it's of significance.

A.  The holidays are here, and this year I'm a complete scrooge.  It makes me sad that I don't have the usual enthusiasm for them.  Generally, I love the holidays and the lights.  Yet, this year, my tree is up, but nothing is on it but lights.  It's not even plugged in.  I haven't had time or energy to focus on it, which depresses me more.  Not to mention, Christmas will be slim this year.  I don't mind, as I sincerely want my children to understand the true meaning of this season.

B.  I was ordered to fill out the eating disorder papers to try to determine the severity of this problem.  My bishop spoke with Sharon and he is very concerned.  Unfortunately, I get to be one of those people who teach others by example, so he's learning a lot from one person.  Nothing like facing a little more reality.  I guess the good news is, I'm borderline.  I'm not necessarily an eating disorder client... but probably balancing on a delicate line that could go either way.  I don't mind feeling hungry, in fact, I guess it reminds me that I'm still alive.  It doesn't mean I enjoy it either though.  I don't like being scrutinized over my lack of appetite.  Sharon said, "Some people eat to live, other's live to eat.  YOU eat to live."  There's so much truth in that.  I think I've been in survival mode for the past 33 years, and don't know quite how to get out of it.  I am concerned since I know actual physical damage can come from the stress of these issues, but at the same time, I don't know what to do about it.  There is no glory in being dysfunctional.  Nothing exciting in fighting the urge to run from the table in front of friends, or freaking out because there is a chance that everyone will be asking you why you aren't eating or why you can't look at them eating.

C.  Another betrayal.  The person who created me, chose to spend time with people other than me for the holidays.  It's ok, but it hurts that she would chose someone whom she detested in a previous life, and my children, over making the effort to contact me.  Apparently, Christmas will be the same.  It shouldn't be a shock to the system.  It's the lack of stability that is devastating.  Never being able to depend on those you should be able to depend on is a tough pill to swallow.  I know other people have it so much worse than I do.  I'm not complaining.... just tired and frustrated.  One minute she comes to my home, hugs me, and tells me she loves me.  The next she can't bear the thought of communicating with me.

D.  It's the week before finals.  "Nuff said.

"Borderline … feels like I'm goin' to lose my mind
You just keep on pushin' my love over the borderline"   

Madonna "Borderline" 

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Thanksgiving by the sea

My friend Eric, decided he didn't want to spend the holiday's with his siblings, since his father passed away a couple months ago.  He invited other single friends to go with him to California.  I didn't have my kids, so I jumped at the opportunity to get away.  Little did I know how hard it would be.

First off, trying to process certain things was tricky while going to Disney Land and having fun in general.  Secondly, I miss my kids more than anything.  (Yes, as I type this, I am still in California and should be sleeping since we are getting up early to drive back.)  Third, I miss normalcy and family gatherings at Thanksgiving.  It wasn't my Thanksgiving to have my kids, but I still miss them.  Especially since I found out that a certain family member was once again, more comfortable planning time with my ex and children instead of planning with me.  It's like daggers in my heart.

There are some things I struggle with the most, and that is one of them.  I've been under the impression that they are supposed to stick together, the whole blood is thicker than water thing.  Apparently, I've been wrong.  It's ok............. but very hurtful.

I miss having a purpose outside of survival and taking care of my babies.  I miss so many things right now.  I really just want to hole up and hibernate somewhere.

I'm staying in my dark room out of necessity.  If I don't, I won't be able to work through things enough to be healthy, in mind, body, and spirit.

Yes, my body still hates me.  It's embarrassing to be sick all the time.  Dating, I think is non-existent now, and for a good reason.  I really don't want to inflict any of this on anyone, I don't know that I can trust them to handle it.  Another problem.

Calgon.............. take me away...............

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Figured it out..... That's half the battle.

I've been sooooooooo mean the past couple days.  TMI moment:  I blew it off as PMS.  However, I had a moment to think tonight and try to pinpoint why I felt so mean.  Life is hard.  Point Blank.  My kids are sick, I haven't felt the best, my kids would say, "as usual."  I have been eating, but my body has decided it hates me again.  All good reasons to be mean.  Add in financial issues, the impending holidays, and future mini-vacation with friends to avoid the loneliness of the holidays.  No reason to be mean at all.  

Then it hit me.  There was an episode recently that was perfect for sending a trigger.  It was a lack of respect from someone I respected greatly, even loved greatly.  Yet, this happened after it had been discussed before, and it was in front of my kids.... AGAIN.  Nothing happened to warrant severe action, but it still caused a mental/emotional response that's been very powerful.

It took me a week, to the day, but I figured it out.  The hardest thing about that, is knowing you feel off, yet not knowing why.  I've had several people ask me if I was ok, and I say yes.  I can't even begin to describe why I don't feel 100 % OK.

Now to figure out where to put the emotions and how to deal with them.  Does this part of healing from past and present always precede the food issue?  I have no idea, but I guess we'll find out.....

What I did learn was:

I have power to change a situation that made me uncomfortable.
 I also have to change the thinking errors that are already in process to prevent situations that make me uncomfortable from happening.  So much easier said than done.
I LOVE guacamole.  This is about the only food that sounds good and is worth the purchase.

 I'm hoping to process this during my mini-vacation.

More baby steps........

Sunday, November 14, 2010


I can hear the gravel under my feet and still feel the arm around my neck and see the fist coming towards my face.  It didn't connect, but it came close several times as he drug me to the house.  The words echo in my head, like a continuous round.  "I don't want you, nobody wants you."  I wished deep inside that it would just be done and over.  It didn't matter at that point.  I had been in survival mode since I was very young and was tired.  I was only 17 and I was done.

Even now, the thoughts go through my mind, especially lately.  I know it's bad programming, but sometimes the tapes that replay, require more than just a delete button.  I'm still trying to figure out how to destroy them permanently.

Tonight was a long drive.  I'd just spent the weekend living my dream.  I was mommy to a big family.  My friend and her husband had gone out of town, and I'd volunteered to watch their kids.  I loved every minute of it!    The only thing missing was a permanent husband.  Though it was nice to have some kind of normalcy to life again.

This friend is one of my best.  I see her and know that she loves me.  She is one of several that when I get a hug from her, I lose it.  I'm so thankful for her in my life and know that my Father in Heaven has given her to me as a special gift.  Her husband is gracious enough to share her, and for that I am very thankful.

Tonight, I needed a hug, and sure enough, I lost it.  I needed to cry harder and longer, but of course I didn't have time for it.  We sat on her bed and she listened as I explained the latest issues and concerns.  I've been a mess ever since trying to figure things out in my head, between our conversation and other things that are going on.

I held back the tears the whole way home, since my kids were awake.  I really wanted a decompression drive, but the roads weren't friendly.

My friend Ms. Awesome called not long after I got home, talk about inspiration.  I don't remember what she told me, but I broke down completely.  I do remember her telling me to write what she said down and to pray about it.  I think it was something along the lines of being in this place at this time for a reason.

I guess it's time to pray and mean it....

Friday, November 5, 2010

I guess you could call it a "HARD RESET...."

I was talking to my therapist friend yesterday and bragging about the 7 pounds I'd lost............... in one week.  :) So exciting!  Except for how it had happened. Apparently there's a right and wrong way to deal with stress and anxiety.  Not eating isn't one of them. lol  BUT what happens if you eat, and you still get sick?

When I'm stressed out my body reacts to food in one of two ways:  moderate stress = eating, severe stress = not eating, or extreme consequences when I do.  When the extreme consequences happen, it's in the form of hanging out in the bathroom until my body stops rejecting the nourishment it needs.  It had gotten so bad this week, that even the thought of eating was making me sick.  Not exactly the example I want to set for my girls, especially when they ask me if I'm eating, or I tell them I'm sick.

I went into my therapist to try to figure out WHY eating disorders are something I've struggled with my whole life.  I didn't really think of it as a disorder, BUT it is.  I've watched family members deal with them, though I don't know that any of us realized what it was.  My sister in law survived on burnt toast and Tang for years.   We were all very thin, but I don't think any of us thought we were.  There were comments made through our inner circles, about weight and appearance, though always compliments from the outside circles.  I don't know that any of us realized how detrimental they would be to our physical or mental health.  I sincerely don't blame anyone for any of it, in retrospect, I think it's amazing how little comments can affect a person so adversely.  Heaven help me with my own girls.....

  The thought of food gave me anxiety, especially if it was in public or around my boyfriend or friends.  I felt that everyone criticized my eating habits, even though I did eat.  I also still can't stand the texture of many foods, as certain panic attacks where they are involved produced the programming of wanting to vomit.  I've had issues with certain foods for years, but couldn't figure out why the texture would do it.  It was only yogurt, jell-o, or other smooth foods, no big deal, right?  When I had mentioned that to Sharon one time, she said the texture of it was skin like.  Makes perfect sense.

This time however, it goes much deeper.

 I have an amazing man in my life, that I love, but I went into freak out mode.  We both need to figure things out, so we aren't together anymore right now.  The freak out mode was started by a trigger, and went downhill from there.  We've talked and decided it was good to get our lives figured out a little more, and then if it's right, try again later.

In talking to a friend about it, she made a very good point.  "Since no one who was supposed to love you, loved you or could love you, and you don't know how it feels to actually be loved, do you maybe feel you aren't worthy to be loved?"

I cried............. at work.  Ok, not cry cry, but there were tears in my eyes as I read that and it struck deep.  That's it!  I don't feel worthy to be loved.  Not by my family, not by anyone, other than my children.  At least I have them and am ok with their love.

What does all of this have to do with food?  Well, I wondered, too.   By the time this conversation took place, I was starting to get concerned about my food issues.  I made an appointment with Sharon as soon as I could get in, and hoped I was literally not hospitalized by then.  In asking her about it, she stated that food is a "nurturing thing."  It helps us to grow, be safe, fulfill our responsibilities, live, breathe, have strength..... and the list goes on.


Since I'm not worthy to have love, why should I have nuturing, too?  It's a self-punishment of sorts.  It's as though my mind is set to reject anything that could give the appearance of love or nurturing.  Apparently individual worth is a BIG deal.

I remember a time when I was married and we were on the verge of divorce (one of many times.)  I couldn't eat at all.  I was 95 lbs then and had probably lost about 10 more lbs.  If he couldn't love me, then I didn't deserve to live.  That was my thinking.  Unfortunately, I've had those thinking errors my whole life.

It's odd to me now, to think of that time, and all the other times, and realize how it affected the major decisions in my life and who I catered to in order to feel WORTHY of love.

How can we change this for others?  Surely I'm not the only one out there.......

* PS - It's babysteps eating now........ I consider myself fortunate to get 1/4 of a sandwich down and not go running to the bathroom afterwards.  I'm drinking water, as that is about the only thing that has staying power. I guess you could say this is a "HARD RESET" of my life.  I have to completely re-program my body and mind, heart and soul to a completely different way of thinking.