Decisions...

There are so many decisions placed on young children. I honestly don't know how they have the ability to decide some very difficult things when they don't understand the consequences yet.

At 7, I was asked by the judge who I wanted to live with. My mom or my dad. At 7, I looked at both of them and picked the one who seemed the saddest. My mom. I found out later that the judge was blind and wanted to get a feel for the situation. That was one of the scariest things to go through at that age, a courtroom, where both parents had the potential of being hurt, and I was the cause.

However, I think if the judge would have been able to see clearly, I would have been put in foster care. I was told numerous times that if anyone would have seen the conditions that I lived in, I would have been taken in a heartbeat. Growing up in it, you don't see it as bad, it's life and normal. Yes, I wished I had a different life, but I couldn't change it, so I lived for the moments when I could be with other family members who had a "real" family.

Another decision I made, was figuring out a game plan on what to do in the event of anything happening. I remember at 8, I woke up on the side of the freeway, in the car, with my mom no where in site. I started to formulate a plan. I knew we were just off the exit somewhere, so I just hoped someone good would stop and pick me up. After what seemed like eternity, my mom showed back up, having been in a police car behind me. I couldn't see her, and honestly, I don't think I really cared other than being scared of what the future would hold.

That wasn't the first time that had happened. I seemed to always be locked in somewhere, and she wasn't there...

It's funny the things that you remember that could be construed as so many things other than love.

*The purpose of this blog is not for sympathy or pity, it's for discovery and helping others. If by my pain, someone else can be healed, then I have served my purpose. I know that sounds dramatic, but the reality is, that is how I am. I have in myself a desire to take other's pain. Not that I want it, but I don't want them to suffer and be in pain.*

I Made It!

I arrived at my undisclosed location late last night. I was ok walking in, with all of my things. Though once I started getting ready for bed, it was a different story. All the fears came up to smack me in the face. I took all the precautions that I have to reduce the anxiety so I can sleep, shutting doors, etc. I finally went to sleep at about 1 AM, after being online for a while.

This morning, I woke up and was relieved that I had made it. The boogey man hadn't gotten me. I hadn't caved to my desires to just call someone and have them come over, just to have someone. It every bit of will power, but I did it.

Now that I am thinking of the night and the silliness, I am thinking that not only do I not like being alone, I don't like going to sleep. Unfortunately, those are two things a person has to do. I guess the next step is figuring out why I don't like to sleep...

First Weekend Alone...

I must say that this weekend has me in survival/freakout mode. The closer I get to the time I have to take my kids to their dad, the more anxiety I experience. I'm half tempted to tell everyone I know to be on alert for a call that I can't do it, and to come rescue me.

This is my first weekend alone since the big discoveries of why I can't stand forced solitude. Most of the discoveries have to do with abandonment as a very young child, others are from the mind games others have played. However, the fear runs deep, and has for so long. 33 years is a LONG time to deal with monsters in the dark that are unidentifiable. Some of the monsters are silly, and if I wasn't the one dealing with them, I may blow them off, or offer different solutions. Other's are real demons that attack every fiber of my being. Now that I can see them on paper, and know that it's me, it's so real and... terrifying.

I have my baby doll, and will be grabbing a stuffed animal soon. I'll be staying at an undisclosed location, so no one can rescue me unknowningly, unless I need them too. It may seem drastic, but I'll feel safer somewhere else and close to people who know what's going on, for this first round. I hope I will anyway.

I have to conquer this. Realistically, I won't be getting married again anytime soon, and eventually, my kids will grow up and leave the nest. What a daunting thought! :( Also, the more I think about the reasons I have to do this, the more angry I get. Maybe the anger will overcome the fear. Maybe.

Wish me luck!

Dreaming

I dreamed I was in a house with two other people this morning. There was a grandma, a younger mother, a baby, and myself. The baby kept crying, until I held her. I would give her back to her mother or the grandma, and she would cry. The only comfort she received was from me. The mother finally gave up trying and went down stairs to watch a movie. I followed her downstairs after a little bit with the baby in my arms. I walked into the family room and noticed the sleeping mother. I looked down at the baby who was propped against my chest and recognized her...

I'm the type of person who believes some dreams are ways to clean and purge the mind of feelings and thoughts. Those are the ones that mostly come to me. I do have many from younger years that I remember quite vividly to this day. There are, of course, some dreams that are just a jumbled bit of nonsense. Those I can't remember. It's the vivid ones that replay in my mind. Even to this day I can remember the sights and sounds. The apparel and location all are recollected in a way that can't be forgotten.

The dream when I was 3 or 4 years old and at a store, haunts me still. I found this lady who was my mother, she had short dark hair, and a long dark furry coat. She was pushing the cart and I kept talking to her. She didn't know me. I told her she was my mother and she didn't know who I was. I was devastated that my own mother wouldn't know her ONLY child.

I remember telling her about that, and being accusatory, then she told me I must have dreamed that and that it hadn't happened. She claimed she would never do that...

My Baby...

Apparently, somewhere between the time I was 0 and 18 months old, something happened. (That would be the Erickson Theory based on Trust vs. Mistrust.) I couldn't trust my parents to take care of me. I couldn't trust anyone to do it really, and still don't. Attachment to a person is a necessity for growth in humans. We have to have that to be secure in our environment. Hence, the insecurity. Maybe my parents loved as best as they could with they abilities they had been given, but it still wasn't secure or a good way.

I went to my counselor today and lost it. I hadn't been in quite a few months. Not that I didn't want to, I just didn't know how I was going to balance that with work and school and still being there for my kids. I also didn't have the mental ability to dig into more issues at that time. I'm probably crazy for doing it now, as I have the same things I'm trying to balance. I need to be healed and done with this part of my life, so that I can be a whole person for my children and the next victim, I mean spouse. :)

I attribute losing it today to a couple things really.

1. The lecture series on Human Development that my boss had me listen to, trying to get ahead for a class I was taking. Yeah, Attachment Theory, not so good when you are the direct opposite of the desired outcome.

2. Human Development the class. Listening to and learning about all the theories of how people learn and grow was a struggle. I think I felt even more dysfunctional, especially after the discussion on what was good and what was not good in your families upbringing.

3. The upcoming BBQ with family that doesn't make much of an effort, however they were as close to a real family as I could ever get, given the situation. Honestly, I don't want to go, but I will to say I did, and so my kids can get to know their relatives better.

I REALLY don't like being home alone, but only if my kids are gone. I guess it's because the "inner child" or "little girl" that I was, never had anyone there and was always alone. Tough cookies, sister, right? That's what I thought... until the realizations hit that none of it was the way it should be.

I'm sure no one thinks of the damage they do to their kids while they are raising them. Maybe instead of a college fund, we should set up a treatment fund. To fix all the things we mess up. (I give my friend Jennifer the credit for that statement. Since she is the one who told me that, and it makes complete sense.)

As a result of my earlier visit with my therapist, I get to pick out a baby doll that represents the "little girl who was alone" and a stuffed animal. The baby, I get to take care of the way I should have been. The stuffed animal is mainly for comfort when I'm alone.

It sounds silly, but hey, if it works, I'm game! So, if you see me carrying around a dolly, just leave me be. I'm taking care of big things with a baby doll and a stuffed animal. And if it works... NO, it WILL work and I'll be a better me.

Wish me luck!

The beginning

I was born in a backwoods town of Idaho. Whenever I think of the small rural town, the song from Deliverance comes to mind, Deulin' Banjos. If you haven't heard it, here's the link...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tqxzWdKKu8

It just fits. Even down to the clothes and some of the housing.

When my mom was in labor, my dad dropped her off in the circle drive of the hospital and tried to drive away. My brother, who was the local police officer on duty, informed him that the car would not get towed and he needed to be in there with his wife. Needless to say, that's kind of an odd beginning. :)

My memories are of a poor town, with a few "rich" kids. Their dads owned a couple stores in town, such as one of the 2 major grocery stores, or the 1 department store. The rest of us, shopped at "Kings." Fine family dining, was at the local A&W on the highway out of town, with the telephones on the wall to place orders. My dad would always ask for a "trip to the salad bar," with every meal.

I played at my brother's house pretty much every day, from about the time I was 4 months old. I should have just been given to them as my nephews twin, considering we were 12 days apart. Everyone thought we were twins, which in such a small town was a definite novelty. I can't tell you how many times I have wished that would have happened. Sometimes I think life would have been easier that way, not that they didn't have problems. At least there would have been stable dysfunction in the home, instead of mobile dysfunction.

Introduction...

I thought life was normal. I think every single mom feels days of disconnection and distance from their children and life. It's hard enough raising a family when you are married. However, once life as a single mother came about, everything was different. This journey of self discovery and learning to raise children can be both amazing and devastating. When the realities of how complex our lives really are start to sink in, that's when it gets interesting.

While I love being a mother, it's hard to balance my needs with my children's. When those needs don't get fulfilled, mama's not happy. We all know what happens... NOBODY'S HAPPY!

Since this is a self discovery attempt, I thought I would share some of my life believing that others will be able to relate. Maybe it will help some find the way to heal from previous pain... Maybe it will be entertainment... Regardless, WELCOME TO MY LIFE! :)