Wednesday, December 8, 2010


There are so many things in my heart.  Confusion, pain, frustration, and a deep sadness.  Sometimes I think it's not fair the things that we do to our children that cause them to develop behaviors that can be detrimental.  Many times these things aren't intentional, and I certainly don't blame my parents for parenting and thinking errors they have due to the way they were raised.  I do have a firm determination to do my best to rectify the damage.  I also pray, with every fiber of my being, that my children will know how much I love and cherish them.

I have heard once that sometimes it takes a special, chosen generation to end the vicious cycles of abuse.   In my family, I don't know that anyone knows how far back the cycles went.

I had the opportunity to see Sharon tonight, which I needed desperately.  So much has happened, that really isn't much, but it's of significance.

A.  The holidays are here, and this year I'm a complete scrooge.  It makes me sad that I don't have the usual enthusiasm for them.  Generally, I love the holidays and the lights.  Yet, this year, my tree is up, but nothing is on it but lights.  It's not even plugged in.  I haven't had time or energy to focus on it, which depresses me more.  Not to mention, Christmas will be slim this year.  I don't mind, as I sincerely want my children to understand the true meaning of this season.

B.  I was ordered to fill out the eating disorder papers to try to determine the severity of this problem.  My bishop spoke with Sharon and he is very concerned.  Unfortunately, I get to be one of those people who teach others by example, so he's learning a lot from one person.  Nothing like facing a little more reality.  I guess the good news is, I'm borderline.  I'm not necessarily an eating disorder client... but probably balancing on a delicate line that could go either way.  I don't mind feeling hungry, in fact, I guess it reminds me that I'm still alive.  It doesn't mean I enjoy it either though.  I don't like being scrutinized over my lack of appetite.  Sharon said, "Some people eat to live, other's live to eat.  YOU eat to live."  There's so much truth in that.  I think I've been in survival mode for the past 33 years, and don't know quite how to get out of it.  I am concerned since I know actual physical damage can come from the stress of these issues, but at the same time, I don't know what to do about it.  There is no glory in being dysfunctional.  Nothing exciting in fighting the urge to run from the table in front of friends, or freaking out because there is a chance that everyone will be asking you why you aren't eating or why you can't look at them eating.

C.  Another betrayal.  The person who created me, chose to spend time with people other than me for the holidays.  It's ok, but it hurts that she would chose someone whom she detested in a previous life, and my children, over making the effort to contact me.  Apparently, Christmas will be the same.  It shouldn't be a shock to the system.  It's the lack of stability that is devastating.  Never being able to depend on those you should be able to depend on is a tough pill to swallow.  I know other people have it so much worse than I do.  I'm not complaining.... just tired and frustrated.  One minute she comes to my home, hugs me, and tells me she loves me.  The next she can't bear the thought of communicating with me.

D.  It's the week before finals.  "Nuff said.

"Borderline … feels like I'm goin' to lose my mind
You just keep on pushin' my love over the borderline"   

Madonna "Borderline"