Decisions...

There are so many decisions placed on young children. I honestly don't know how they have the ability to decide some very difficult things when they don't understand the consequences yet.

At 7, I was asked by the judge who I wanted to live with. My mom or my dad. At 7, I looked at both of them and picked the one who seemed the saddest. My mom. I found out later that the judge was blind and wanted to get a feel for the situation. That was one of the scariest things to go through at that age, a courtroom, where both parents had the potential of being hurt, and I was the cause.

However, I think if the judge would have been able to see clearly, I would have been put in foster care. I was told numerous times that if anyone would have seen the conditions that I lived in, I would have been taken in a heartbeat. Growing up in it, you don't see it as bad, it's life and normal. Yes, I wished I had a different life, but I couldn't change it, so I lived for the moments when I could be with other family members who had a "real" family.

Another decision I made, was figuring out a game plan on what to do in the event of anything happening. I remember at 8, I woke up on the side of the freeway, in the car, with my mom no where in site. I started to formulate a plan. I knew we were just off the exit somewhere, so I just hoped someone good would stop and pick me up. After what seemed like eternity, my mom showed back up, having been in a police car behind me. I couldn't see her, and honestly, I don't think I really cared other than being scared of what the future would hold.

That wasn't the first time that had happened. I seemed to always be locked in somewhere, and she wasn't there...

It's funny the things that you remember that could be construed as so many things other than love.

*The purpose of this blog is not for sympathy or pity, it's for discovery and helping others. If by my pain, someone else can be healed, then I have served my purpose. I know that sounds dramatic, but the reality is, that is how I am. I have in myself a desire to take other's pain. Not that I want it, but I don't want them to suffer and be in pain.*

I Made It!

I arrived at my undisclosed location late last night. I was ok walking in, with all of my things. Though once I started getting ready for bed, it was a different story. All the fears came up to smack me in the face. I took all the precautions that I have to reduce the anxiety so I can sleep, shutting doors, etc. I finally went to sleep at about 1 AM, after being online for a while.

This morning, I woke up and was relieved that I had made it. The boogey man hadn't gotten me. I hadn't caved to my desires to just call someone and have them come over, just to have someone. It every bit of will power, but I did it.

Now that I am thinking of the night and the silliness, I am thinking that not only do I not like being alone, I don't like going to sleep. Unfortunately, those are two things a person has to do. I guess the next step is figuring out why I don't like to sleep...

First Weekend Alone...

I must say that this weekend has me in survival/freakout mode. The closer I get to the time I have to take my kids to their dad, the more anxiety I experience. I'm half tempted to tell everyone I know to be on alert for a call that I can't do it, and to come rescue me.

This is my first weekend alone since the big discoveries of why I can't stand forced solitude. Most of the discoveries have to do with abandonment as a very young child, others are from the mind games others have played. However, the fear runs deep, and has for so long. 33 years is a LONG time to deal with monsters in the dark that are unidentifiable. Some of the monsters are silly, and if I wasn't the one dealing with them, I may blow them off, or offer different solutions. Other's are real demons that attack every fiber of my being. Now that I can see them on paper, and know that it's me, it's so real and... terrifying.

I have my baby doll, and will be grabbing a stuffed animal soon. I'll be staying at an undisclosed location, so no one can rescue me unknowningly, unless I need them too. It may seem drastic, but I'll feel safer somewhere else and close to people who know what's going on, for this first round. I hope I will anyway.

I have to conquer this. Realistically, I won't be getting married again anytime soon, and eventually, my kids will grow up and leave the nest. What a daunting thought! :( Also, the more I think about the reasons I have to do this, the more angry I get. Maybe the anger will overcome the fear. Maybe.

Wish me luck!