There are many good days anymore. However, once in a while, there are some doozies, that end up turning into more than a day, but weeks. There are events that happen to cause unwanted effects. Mine are in the form of panic attacks, or anxiety if you will. Many times, it's outright fear.
I went to a specialized group for abused women and learned many things. I, along with some of the other girls, couldn't figure out why random emotions would hit. We would have a good week, then BAM, complete devastation in one way or another.
The past week and a half have been that way. Not sure exactly what triggered the emotions, but it apparently was enough to cause some issues.
I don't mind when people ask what happened, or what the abuse was. However, there were so many instances of so many different natures, that it's hard to pinpoint it down to one instance. For example, someone could touch me, and it would send me spinning into the reactions of a previous event. Although, it takes a while to pinpoint exactly what the event was. It's blocked somehow from memory, and all you know is the reaction you have, even though it doesn't make sense. There are times that it happens with someone you love, and you can't figure out why it would happen. The reaction doesn't make sense........
This week, I think it's time for another trip to my therapist to try to sort it out. Another step of healing is apparently in the works, and demanding attention.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
A year ago, I had taken most of my family out of my life. Not out of malice or hate, I just couldn't deal with everything that was going on in life, and watch their interactions, too.
A neighbor was sending hate mail once again. Why? Who knows? I think I had the privilege of being the lucky one to receive their jealousy, anger, and judgement. Over the past couple of years, I've been accused of everything, from being an adulterer, a hussy, selling myself online, a bad parent, a horrible yard keeper, and the others went unread. However, I'm sure the local police station got a kick out of them, since the writer chose to use a typewriter and be anonymous. I only chose to take them in, since I'm not the only one who receives them, and would feel horrible if someone decided to end their life due to the absolute brutality of them.
At the same time, my own mother decided to disown me, my boyfriend at the time decided monogamy and honesty were too difficult to maintain, someone hacked into my computer/broke into my house to download things onto my laptop, my children started anxiety attacks over going to school every morning, I was trying to get into the local university, we all had swine flu, I had a horrible illness on top of that, lost 10 pounds and had a fever for a month, and still had to live life normally.
I think I lost my mind for a while, or at least my Bishop thought I was going to, since he had me coming in for sanity checks quite a bit. One of my brother's happened to call on a not good day, and got the brunt of what was happening. He came over and changed my locks and helped me with some safety measures for windows. I was relieved, but still was paranoid. Another day, my dad decided to call and start in with his smart remarks, luckily I was delirious with fever so I got away with telling him EVERYTHING that was going on and he actually had some sympathy. My other brother called and thought I was insane, however he understood why.
Why opt to remove my family? Because of a lot of reasons:
The ones who could do something, wouldn't. And the ones who would do something, were too far away to do anything.
I think it was the most devastatingly LONELY time in my life. I've never felt so alone... NO ONE could help me do anything. No one could come over, for fear of getting sick. I had a couple neighbors who brought us dinner, and a couple who helped with laundry, which I am grateful for. However, I couldn't allow the young women to come and help with cleaning my house. If my suspicions on who wrote hate mail to me were correct, then they would be questioned when they got home, and I'd receive even more. It wasn't fair to them and I wasn't in the frame of mind to deal with more... life.
I couldn't handle all the dysfunction that had come out into the open. I was tired of feeling the odd man out in a family that I was apart of, but had always wished I was in. When it came down to it, I was on my own from the beginning, and I had just realized it. It was a difficult pill to swallow and completely unfair. I loved them so much, and yet, wasn't a part of their lives in the way I wanted to be.
Now that I'm learning more about love, the walls are coming down, bit by crumbling bit. I'm crying more than I did. I'm feeling more than I did. I'm able to actually think I might be ok to be around them and let them in.
More baby steps..............
Children are made to be loved, adored, and cherished. There are far too many who aren't. I used to have such intense pain at the thought of not having that. I fear for my own children, who desperately need it, and I feel they get it from me to the best of my ability. I read a blog tonight about a child who was "broken" by his father. It broke my heart. I thought about my own life, and my parenting abilities. Then I thought about all of the amazing examples I've had in my life about HOW to be a family and what NOT to do.
It's funny how just when you think you are doing great, reality comes and you find the flaws in your abilities. Tonight, after the article, I know I'm not perfect, BUT I also hope that my children know how much I love them.
I can honestly say I do my best to be the best mom to them. I do the best with the talents and abilities I've been given. I say abilities, because I've been having some health issues lately. My poor children have had to grow up a bit and help out. It's sad. It depresses me. I wish it were better and that they could stay children. The inevitable has to happen though. They have to grow up. :(
I'm proud of all that they accomplish. I'm proud to call them my own. I'm proud of the fact that I spend more time with them than anyone else. I'm proud that I have a job that allows me to take them to work with me and spend even more time with them. I'm proud that THEY are proud of me for my accomplishments, big or small. (They're also proud of my faults.) :)
I've been blessed beyond measure, and I'm so thankful for my Father in Heaven who has allowed me to have these angels in my life to guide me to being a better person. I'm learning more and more what true love is all about and the different levels it has. I'm finally learning that my Father loves me...... and I'm feeling it.
Life is hard, it even sucks rocks sometimes.... I'm glad I have my angels to help me remember that it's worth it. I'm glad I have a cabana boy who helps me remember my worth.
Life is good......... and I'm thankful for the humbling moments that remind me of that.