Wednesday, December 8, 2010


There are so many things in my heart.  Confusion, pain, frustration, and a deep sadness.  Sometimes I think it's not fair the things that we do to our children that cause them to develop behaviors that can be detrimental.  Many times these things aren't intentional, and I certainly don't blame my parents for parenting and thinking errors they have due to the way they were raised.  I do have a firm determination to do my best to rectify the damage.  I also pray, with every fiber of my being, that my children will know how much I love and cherish them.

I have heard once that sometimes it takes a special, chosen generation to end the vicious cycles of abuse.   In my family, I don't know that anyone knows how far back the cycles went.

I had the opportunity to see Sharon tonight, which I needed desperately.  So much has happened, that really isn't much, but it's of significance.

A.  The holidays are here, and this year I'm a complete scrooge.  It makes me sad that I don't have the usual enthusiasm for them.  Generally, I love the holidays and the lights.  Yet, this year, my tree is up, but nothing is on it but lights.  It's not even plugged in.  I haven't had time or energy to focus on it, which depresses me more.  Not to mention, Christmas will be slim this year.  I don't mind, as I sincerely want my children to understand the true meaning of this season.

B.  I was ordered to fill out the eating disorder papers to try to determine the severity of this problem.  My bishop spoke with Sharon and he is very concerned.  Unfortunately, I get to be one of those people who teach others by example, so he's learning a lot from one person.  Nothing like facing a little more reality.  I guess the good news is, I'm borderline.  I'm not necessarily an eating disorder client... but probably balancing on a delicate line that could go either way.  I don't mind feeling hungry, in fact, I guess it reminds me that I'm still alive.  It doesn't mean I enjoy it either though.  I don't like being scrutinized over my lack of appetite.  Sharon said, "Some people eat to live, other's live to eat.  YOU eat to live."  There's so much truth in that.  I think I've been in survival mode for the past 33 years, and don't know quite how to get out of it.  I am concerned since I know actual physical damage can come from the stress of these issues, but at the same time, I don't know what to do about it.  There is no glory in being dysfunctional.  Nothing exciting in fighting the urge to run from the table in front of friends, or freaking out because there is a chance that everyone will be asking you why you aren't eating or why you can't look at them eating.

C.  Another betrayal.  The person who created me, chose to spend time with people other than me for the holidays.  It's ok, but it hurts that she would chose someone whom she detested in a previous life, and my children, over making the effort to contact me.  Apparently, Christmas will be the same.  It shouldn't be a shock to the system.  It's the lack of stability that is devastating.  Never being able to depend on those you should be able to depend on is a tough pill to swallow.  I know other people have it so much worse than I do.  I'm not complaining.... just tired and frustrated.  One minute she comes to my home, hugs me, and tells me she loves me.  The next she can't bear the thought of communicating with me.

D.  It's the week before finals.  "Nuff said.

"Borderline … feels like I'm goin' to lose my mind
You just keep on pushin' my love over the borderline"   

Madonna "Borderline" 

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Thanksgiving by the sea

My friend Eric, decided he didn't want to spend the holiday's with his siblings, since his father passed away a couple months ago.  He invited other single friends to go with him to California.  I didn't have my kids, so I jumped at the opportunity to get away.  Little did I know how hard it would be.

First off, trying to process certain things was tricky while going to Disney Land and having fun in general.  Secondly, I miss my kids more than anything.  (Yes, as I type this, I am still in California and should be sleeping since we are getting up early to drive back.)  Third, I miss normalcy and family gatherings at Thanksgiving.  It wasn't my Thanksgiving to have my kids, but I still miss them.  Especially since I found out that a certain family member was once again, more comfortable planning time with my ex and children instead of planning with me.  It's like daggers in my heart.

There are some things I struggle with the most, and that is one of them.  I've been under the impression that they are supposed to stick together, the whole blood is thicker than water thing.  Apparently, I've been wrong.  It's ok............. but very hurtful.

I miss having a purpose outside of survival and taking care of my babies.  I miss so many things right now.  I really just want to hole up and hibernate somewhere.

I'm staying in my dark room out of necessity.  If I don't, I won't be able to work through things enough to be healthy, in mind, body, and spirit.

Yes, my body still hates me.  It's embarrassing to be sick all the time.  Dating, I think is non-existent now, and for a good reason.  I really don't want to inflict any of this on anyone, I don't know that I can trust them to handle it.  Another problem.

Calgon.............. take me away...............

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Figured it out..... That's half the battle.

I've been sooooooooo mean the past couple days.  TMI moment:  I blew it off as PMS.  However, I had a moment to think tonight and try to pinpoint why I felt so mean.  Life is hard.  Point Blank.  My kids are sick, I haven't felt the best, my kids would say, "as usual."  I have been eating, but my body has decided it hates me again.  All good reasons to be mean.  Add in financial issues, the impending holidays, and future mini-vacation with friends to avoid the loneliness of the holidays.  No reason to be mean at all.  

Then it hit me.  There was an episode recently that was perfect for sending a trigger.  It was a lack of respect from someone I respected greatly, even loved greatly.  Yet, this happened after it had been discussed before, and it was in front of my kids.... AGAIN.  Nothing happened to warrant severe action, but it still caused a mental/emotional response that's been very powerful.

It took me a week, to the day, but I figured it out.  The hardest thing about that, is knowing you feel off, yet not knowing why.  I've had several people ask me if I was ok, and I say yes.  I can't even begin to describe why I don't feel 100 % OK.

Now to figure out where to put the emotions and how to deal with them.  Does this part of healing from past and present always precede the food issue?  I have no idea, but I guess we'll find out.....

What I did learn was:

I have power to change a situation that made me uncomfortable.
 I also have to change the thinking errors that are already in process to prevent situations that make me uncomfortable from happening.  So much easier said than done.
I LOVE guacamole.  This is about the only food that sounds good and is worth the purchase.

 I'm hoping to process this during my mini-vacation.

More baby steps........

Sunday, November 14, 2010


I can hear the gravel under my feet and still feel the arm around my neck and see the fist coming towards my face.  It didn't connect, but it came close several times as he drug me to the house.  The words echo in my head, like a continuous round.  "I don't want you, nobody wants you."  I wished deep inside that it would just be done and over.  It didn't matter at that point.  I had been in survival mode since I was very young and was tired.  I was only 17 and I was done.

Even now, the thoughts go through my mind, especially lately.  I know it's bad programming, but sometimes the tapes that replay, require more than just a delete button.  I'm still trying to figure out how to destroy them permanently.

Tonight was a long drive.  I'd just spent the weekend living my dream.  I was mommy to a big family.  My friend and her husband had gone out of town, and I'd volunteered to watch their kids.  I loved every minute of it!    The only thing missing was a permanent husband.  Though it was nice to have some kind of normalcy to life again.

This friend is one of my best.  I see her and know that she loves me.  She is one of several that when I get a hug from her, I lose it.  I'm so thankful for her in my life and know that my Father in Heaven has given her to me as a special gift.  Her husband is gracious enough to share her, and for that I am very thankful.

Tonight, I needed a hug, and sure enough, I lost it.  I needed to cry harder and longer, but of course I didn't have time for it.  We sat on her bed and she listened as I explained the latest issues and concerns.  I've been a mess ever since trying to figure things out in my head, between our conversation and other things that are going on.

I held back the tears the whole way home, since my kids were awake.  I really wanted a decompression drive, but the roads weren't friendly.

My friend Ms. Awesome called not long after I got home, talk about inspiration.  I don't remember what she told me, but I broke down completely.  I do remember her telling me to write what she said down and to pray about it.  I think it was something along the lines of being in this place at this time for a reason.

I guess it's time to pray and mean it....

Friday, November 5, 2010

I guess you could call it a "HARD RESET...."

I was talking to my therapist friend yesterday and bragging about the 7 pounds I'd lost............... in one week.  :) So exciting!  Except for how it had happened. Apparently there's a right and wrong way to deal with stress and anxiety.  Not eating isn't one of them. lol  BUT what happens if you eat, and you still get sick?

When I'm stressed out my body reacts to food in one of two ways:  moderate stress = eating, severe stress = not eating, or extreme consequences when I do.  When the extreme consequences happen, it's in the form of hanging out in the bathroom until my body stops rejecting the nourishment it needs.  It had gotten so bad this week, that even the thought of eating was making me sick.  Not exactly the example I want to set for my girls, especially when they ask me if I'm eating, or I tell them I'm sick.

I went into my therapist to try to figure out WHY eating disorders are something I've struggled with my whole life.  I didn't really think of it as a disorder, BUT it is.  I've watched family members deal with them, though I don't know that any of us realized what it was.  My sister in law survived on burnt toast and Tang for years.   We were all very thin, but I don't think any of us thought we were.  There were comments made through our inner circles, about weight and appearance, though always compliments from the outside circles.  I don't know that any of us realized how detrimental they would be to our physical or mental health.  I sincerely don't blame anyone for any of it, in retrospect, I think it's amazing how little comments can affect a person so adversely.  Heaven help me with my own girls.....

  The thought of food gave me anxiety, especially if it was in public or around my boyfriend or friends.  I felt that everyone criticized my eating habits, even though I did eat.  I also still can't stand the texture of many foods, as certain panic attacks where they are involved produced the programming of wanting to vomit.  I've had issues with certain foods for years, but couldn't figure out why the texture would do it.  It was only yogurt, jell-o, or other smooth foods, no big deal, right?  When I had mentioned that to Sharon one time, she said the texture of it was skin like.  Makes perfect sense.

This time however, it goes much deeper.

 I have an amazing man in my life, that I love, but I went into freak out mode.  We both need to figure things out, so we aren't together anymore right now.  The freak out mode was started by a trigger, and went downhill from there.  We've talked and decided it was good to get our lives figured out a little more, and then if it's right, try again later.

In talking to a friend about it, she made a very good point.  "Since no one who was supposed to love you, loved you or could love you, and you don't know how it feels to actually be loved, do you maybe feel you aren't worthy to be loved?"

I cried............. at work.  Ok, not cry cry, but there were tears in my eyes as I read that and it struck deep.  That's it!  I don't feel worthy to be loved.  Not by my family, not by anyone, other than my children.  At least I have them and am ok with their love.

What does all of this have to do with food?  Well, I wondered, too.   By the time this conversation took place, I was starting to get concerned about my food issues.  I made an appointment with Sharon as soon as I could get in, and hoped I was literally not hospitalized by then.  In asking her about it, she stated that food is a "nurturing thing."  It helps us to grow, be safe, fulfill our responsibilities, live, breathe, have strength..... and the list goes on.


Since I'm not worthy to have love, why should I have nuturing, too?  It's a self-punishment of sorts.  It's as though my mind is set to reject anything that could give the appearance of love or nurturing.  Apparently individual worth is a BIG deal.

I remember a time when I was married and we were on the verge of divorce (one of many times.)  I couldn't eat at all.  I was 95 lbs then and had probably lost about 10 more lbs.  If he couldn't love me, then I didn't deserve to live.  That was my thinking.  Unfortunately, I've had those thinking errors my whole life.

It's odd to me now, to think of that time, and all the other times, and realize how it affected the major decisions in my life and who I catered to in order to feel WORTHY of love.

How can we change this for others?  Surely I'm not the only one out there.......

* PS - It's babysteps eating now........ I consider myself fortunate to get 1/4 of a sandwich down and not go running to the bathroom afterwards.  I'm drinking water, as that is about the only thing that has staying power. I guess you could say this is a "HARD RESET" of my life.  I have to completely re-program my body and mind, heart and soul to a completely different way of thinking.

Sunday, October 24, 2010


There are many good days anymore.  However, once in a while, there are some doozies, that end up turning into more than a day, but weeks.  There are events that happen to cause unwanted effects.  Mine are in the form of panic attacks, or anxiety if you will.  Many times, it's outright fear.

I went to a specialized group for abused women and learned many things.  I, along with some of the other girls, couldn't figure out why random emotions would hit.  We would have a good week, then BAM, complete devastation in one way or another.

The past week and a half have been that way.  Not sure exactly what triggered the emotions, but it apparently was enough to cause some issues.

I don't mind when people ask what happened, or what the abuse was.  However, there were so many instances of so many different natures, that it's hard to pinpoint it down to one instance.  For example, someone could touch me, and it would send me spinning into the reactions of a previous event.  Although, it takes a while to pinpoint exactly what the event was.  It's blocked somehow from memory, and all you know is the reaction you have, even though it doesn't make sense.  There are times that it happens with someone you love, and you can't figure out why it would happen.  The reaction doesn't make sense........

This week, I think it's time for another trip to my therapist to try to sort it out.  Another step of healing is apparently in the works, and demanding attention.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Families are Forever and other fun trials...

A year ago, I had taken most of my family out of my life. Not out of malice or hate, I just couldn't deal with everything that was going on in life, and watch their interactions, too.

A neighbor was sending hate mail once again. Why? Who knows? I think I had the privilege of being the lucky one to receive their jealousy, anger, and judgement. Over the past couple of years, I've been accused of everything, from being an adulterer, a hussy, selling myself online, a bad parent, a horrible yard keeper, and the others went unread. However, I'm sure the local police station got a kick out of them, since the writer chose to use a typewriter and be anonymous. I only chose to take them in, since I'm not the only one who receives them, and would feel horrible if someone decided to end their life due to the absolute brutality of them.

At the same time, my own mother decided to disown me, my boyfriend at the time decided monogamy and honesty were too difficult to maintain, someone hacked into my computer/broke into my house to download things onto my laptop, my children started anxiety attacks over going to school every morning, I was trying to get into the local university, we all had swine flu, I had a horrible illness on top of that, lost 10 pounds and had a fever for a month, and still had to live life normally.

I think I lost my mind for a while, or at least my Bishop thought I was going to, since he had me coming in for sanity checks quite a bit. One of my brother's happened to call on a not good day, and got the brunt of what was happening. He came over and changed my locks and helped me with some safety measures for windows. I was relieved, but still was paranoid. Another day, my dad decided to call and start in with his smart remarks, luckily I was delirious with fever so I got away with telling him EVERYTHING that was going on and he actually had some sympathy. My other brother called and thought I was insane, however he understood why.
Why opt to remove my family? Because of a lot of reasons:

The ones who could do something, wouldn't. And the ones who would do something, were too far away to do anything.

I think it was the most devastatingly LONELY time in my life. I've never felt so alone... NO ONE could help me do anything. No one could come over, for fear of getting sick. I had a couple neighbors who brought us dinner, and a couple who helped with laundry, which I am grateful for. However, I couldn't allow the young women to come and help with cleaning my house. If my suspicions on who wrote hate mail to me were correct, then they would be questioned when they got home, and I'd receive even more. It wasn't fair to them and I wasn't in the frame of mind to deal with more... life.

I couldn't handle all the dysfunction that had come out into the open. I was tired of feeling the odd man out in a family that I was apart of, but had always wished I was in. When it came down to it, I was on my own from the beginning, and I had just realized it. It was a difficult pill to swallow and completely unfair. I loved them so much, and yet, wasn't a part of their lives in the way I wanted to be.

Now that I'm learning more about love, the walls are coming down, bit by crumbling bit. I'm crying more than I did. I'm feeling more than I did. I'm able to actually think I might be ok to be around them and let them in.

More baby steps..............

Deep Thoughts...... or maybe just semi-deep... :)

Children are made to be loved, adored, and cherished. There are far too many who aren't. I used to have such intense pain at the thought of not having that. I fear for my own children, who desperately need it, and I feel they get it from me to the best of my ability. I read a blog tonight about a child who was "broken" by his father. It broke my heart. I thought about my own life, and my parenting abilities. Then I thought about all of the amazing examples I've had in my life about HOW to be a family and what NOT to do.

It's funny how just when you think you are doing great, reality comes and you find the flaws in your abilities. Tonight, after the article, I know I'm not perfect, BUT I also hope that my children know how much I love them.

I can honestly say I do my best to be the best mom to them. I do the best with the talents and abilities I've been given. I say abilities, because I've been having some health issues lately. My poor children have had to grow up a bit and help out. It's sad. It depresses me. I wish it were better and that they could stay children. The inevitable has to happen though. They have to grow up. :(

I'm proud of all that they accomplish. I'm proud to call them my own. I'm proud of the fact that I spend more time with them than anyone else. I'm proud that I have a job that allows me to take them to work with me and spend even more time with them. I'm proud that THEY are proud of me for my accomplishments, big or small. (They're also proud of my faults.) :)

I've been blessed beyond measure, and I'm so thankful for my Father in Heaven who has allowed me to have these angels in my life to guide me to being a better person. I'm learning more and more what true love is all about and the different levels it has. I'm finally learning that my Father loves me...... and I'm feeling it.

Life is hard, it even sucks rocks sometimes.... I'm glad I have my angels to help me remember that it's worth it. I'm glad I have a cabana boy who helps me remember my worth.

Life is good......... and I'm thankful for the humbling moments that remind me of that.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Love................ What's that?

So I've met the man of my dreams. I know, I know, is it real? Well, I hope so. However, a friend of mine told me that considering my background, she feels that I don't know what it's like to be loved and feel loved. Another friend told me to stop sabotaging it!

Oh yeah! I'd forgotten! I'm in CULTURE SHOCK!

Actually, I never forget, although to be truly loved, or even semi truly loved, is something of a culture shock. Kind of like Annie when she's in the Orphanage. She's a tough cookie and protects everyone, while earning their love and respect. When Daddy Warbucks' assistant rescues her, she looks around the mansion in wonder. She soaks it all in, in case it's not real. She has no reason to trust this person, and no reason to NOT trust them either. She claims that the experience will last her a lifetime, just for those few moments in that house.

I can relate. Love is overwhelming and anxiety filled to me. I cherish it, adore it, and want it, but at the same time, the walls are there because it doesn't seem real. Love leaves some people feeling vulnerable and open to loads of heartache. It also heals completely, the broken, the dying, and those who simply aren't whole... if they allow it.

I guess you could say the bad thing about putting your heart out there is the risk factor. There's always a risk that your heart will get broken. If you're lucky, it's all unintentional. I don't think there are many who go around breaking hearts on purpose.......... except for that one guy, oh yeah, and that other one........ and probably a couple girls too.

Ok, I lied, BUT I would hope that they see the error of their ways and decide to go for the real and golden true love instead of the momentary love.

I call him my "Cabana Boy." I've always wanted one, and now all i'm missing is the tropical island. However, if we do get married, I'm sure he'll deliver on that, too. :)

Monday, July 5, 2010


There are so many decisions placed on young children. I honestly don't know how they have the ability to decide some very difficult things when they don't understand the consequences yet.

At 7, I was asked by the judge who I wanted to live with. My mom or my dad. At 7, I looked at both of them and picked the one who seemed the saddest. My mom. I found out later that the judge was blind and wanted to get a feel for the situation. That was one of the scariest things to go through at that age, a courtroom, where both parents had the potential of being hurt, and I was the cause.

However, I think if the judge would have been able to see clearly, I would have been put in foster care. I was told numerous times that if anyone would have seen the conditions that I lived in, I would have been taken in a heartbeat. Growing up in it, you don't see it as bad, it's life and normal. Yes, I wished I had a different life, but I couldn't change it, so I lived for the moments when I could be with other family members who had a "real" family.

Another decision I made, was figuring out a game plan on what to do in the event of anything happening. I remember at 8, I woke up on the side of the freeway, in the car, with my mom no where in site. I started to formulate a plan. I knew we were just off the exit somewhere, so I just hoped someone good would stop and pick me up. After what seemed like eternity, my mom showed back up, having been in a police car behind me. I couldn't see her, and honestly, I don't think I really cared other than being scared of what the future would hold.

That wasn't the first time that had happened. I seemed to always be locked in somewhere, and she wasn't there...

It's funny the things that you remember that could be construed as so many things other than love.

*The purpose of this blog is not for sympathy or pity, it's for discovery and helping others. If by my pain, someone else can be healed, then I have served my purpose. I know that sounds dramatic, but the reality is, that is how I am. I have in myself a desire to take other's pain. Not that I want it, but I don't want them to suffer and be in pain.*

Sunday, July 4, 2010

I Made It!

I arrived at my undisclosed location late last night. I was ok walking in, with all of my things. Though once I started getting ready for bed, it was a different story. All the fears came up to smack me in the face. I took all the precautions that I have to reduce the anxiety so I can sleep, shutting doors, etc. I finally went to sleep at about 1 AM, after being online for a while.

This morning, I woke up and was relieved that I had made it. The boogey man hadn't gotten me. I hadn't caved to my desires to just call someone and have them come over, just to have someone. It every bit of will power, but I did it.

Now that I am thinking of the night and the silliness, I am thinking that not only do I not like being alone, I don't like going to sleep. Unfortunately, those are two things a person has to do. I guess the next step is figuring out why I don't like to sleep...

Saturday, July 3, 2010

First Weekend Alone...

I must say that this weekend has me in survival/freakout mode. The closer I get to the time I have to take my kids to their dad, the more anxiety I experience. I'm half tempted to tell everyone I know to be on alert for a call that I can't do it, and to come rescue me.

This is my first weekend alone since the big discoveries of why I can't stand forced solitude. Most of the discoveries have to do with abandonment as a very young child, others are from the mind games others have played. However, the fear runs deep, and has for so long. 33 years is a LONG time to deal with monsters in the dark that are unidentifiable. Some of the monsters are silly, and if I wasn't the one dealing with them, I may blow them off, or offer different solutions. Other's are real demons that attack every fiber of my being. Now that I can see them on paper, and know that it's me, it's so real and... terrifying.

I have my baby doll, and will be grabbing a stuffed animal soon. I'll be staying at an undisclosed location, so no one can rescue me unknowningly, unless I need them too. It may seem drastic, but I'll feel safer somewhere else and close to people who know what's going on, for this first round. I hope I will anyway.

I have to conquer this. Realistically, I won't be getting married again anytime soon, and eventually, my kids will grow up and leave the nest. What a daunting thought! :( Also, the more I think about the reasons I have to do this, the more angry I get. Maybe the anger will overcome the fear. Maybe.

Wish me luck!

Wednesday, June 30, 2010


I dreamed I was in a house with two other people this morning. There was a grandma, a younger mother, a baby, and myself. The baby kept crying, until I held her. I would give her back to her mother or the grandma, and she would cry. The only comfort she received was from me. The mother finally gave up trying and went down stairs to watch a movie. I followed her downstairs after a little bit with the baby in my arms. I walked into the family room and noticed the sleeping mother. I looked down at the baby who was propped against my chest and recognized her...

I'm the type of person who believes some dreams are ways to clean and purge the mind of feelings and thoughts. Those are the ones that mostly come to me. I do have many from younger years that I remember quite vividly to this day. There are, of course, some dreams that are just a jumbled bit of nonsense. Those I can't remember. It's the vivid ones that replay in my mind. Even to this day I can remember the sights and sounds. The apparel and location all are recollected in a way that can't be forgotten.

The dream when I was 3 or 4 years old and at a store, haunts me still. I found this lady who was my mother, she had short dark hair, and a long dark furry coat. She was pushing the cart and I kept talking to her. She didn't know me. I told her she was my mother and she didn't know who I was. I was devastated that my own mother wouldn't know her ONLY child.

I remember telling her about that, and being accusatory, then she told me I must have dreamed that and that it hadn't happened. She claimed she would never do that...

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

My Baby...

Apparently, somewhere between the time I was 0 and 18 months old, something happened. (That would be the Erickson Theory based on Trust vs. Mistrust.) I couldn't trust my parents to take care of me. I couldn't trust anyone to do it really, and still don't. Attachment to a person is a necessity for growth in humans. We have to have that to be secure in our environment. Hence, the insecurity. Maybe my parents loved as best as they could with they abilities they had been given, but it still wasn't secure or a good way.

I went to my counselor today and lost it. I hadn't been in quite a few months. Not that I didn't want to, I just didn't know how I was going to balance that with work and school and still being there for my kids. I also didn't have the mental ability to dig into more issues at that time. I'm probably crazy for doing it now, as I have the same things I'm trying to balance. I need to be healed and done with this part of my life, so that I can be a whole person for my children and the next victim, I mean spouse. :)

I attribute losing it today to a couple things really.
1. The lecture series on Human Development that my boss had me listen to, trying to get ahead for a class I was taking. Yeah, Attachment Theory, not so good when you are the direct opposite of the desired outcome.
2. Human Development the class. Listening to and learning about all the theories of how people learn and grow was a struggle. I think I felt even more dysfunctional, especially after the discussion on what was good and what was not good in your families upbringing.
3. The upcoming BBQ with family that doesn't make much of an effort, however they were as close to a real family as I could ever get, given the situation. Honestly, I don't want to go, but I will to say I did, and so my kids can get to know their relatives better.

I REALLY don't like being home alone, but only if my kids are gone. I guess it's because the "inner child" or "little girl" that I was, never had anyone there and was always alone. Tough cookies, sister, right? That's what I thought... until the realizations hit that none of it was the way it should be.

I'm sure no one thinks of the damage they do to their kids while they are raising them. Maybe instead of a college fund, we should set up a treatment fund. To fix all the things we mess up. (I give my friend Jennifer the credit for that statement. Since she is the one who told me that, and it makes complete sense.)

As a result of my earlier visit with my therapist, I get to pick out a baby doll that represents the "little girl who was alone" and a stuffed animal. The baby, I get to take care of the way I should have been. The stuffed animal is mainly for comfort when I'm alone.

It sounds silly, but hey, if it works, I'm game! So, if you see me carrying around a dolly, just leave me be. I'm taking care of big things with a baby doll and a stuffed animal. And if it works... NO, it WILL work and I'll be a better me.

Wish me luck!

The beginning

I was born in a backwoods town of Idaho. Whenever I think of the small rural town, the song from Deliverance comes to mind, Deulin' Banjos. If you haven't heard it, here's the link...

It just fits. Even down to the clothes and some of the housing.

When my mom was in labor, my dad dropped her off in the circle drive of the hospital and tried to drive away. My brother, who was the local police officer on duty, informed him that the car would not get towed and he needed to be in there with his wife. Needless to say, that's kind of an odd beginning. :)

My memories are of a poor town, with a few "rich" kids. Their dads owned a couple stores in town, such as one of the 2 major grocery stores, or the 1 department store. The rest of us, shopped at "Kings." Fine family dining, was at the local A&W on the highway out of town, with the telephones on the wall to place orders. My dad would always ask for a "trip to the salad bar," with every meal.

I played at my brother's house pretty much every day, from about the time I was 4 months old. I should have just been given to them as my nephews twin, considering we were 12 days apart. Everyone thought we were twins, which in such a small town was a definite novelty. I can't tell you how many times I have wished that would have happened. Sometimes I think life would have been easier that way, not that they didn't have problems. At least there would have been stable dysfunction in the home, instead of mobile dysfunction.


I thought life was normal. I think every single mom feels days of disconnection and distance from their children and life. It's hard enough raising a family when you are married. However, once life as a single mother came about, everything was different. This journey of self discovery and learning to raise children can be both amazing and devastating. When the realities of how complex our lives really are start to sink in, that's when it gets interesting.

While I love being a mother, it's hard to balance my needs with my children's. When those needs don't get fulfilled, mama's not happy. We all know what happens... NOBODY'S HAPPY!

Since this is a self discovery attempt, I thought I would share some of my life believing that others will be able to relate. Maybe it will help some find the way to heal from previous pain... Maybe it will be entertainment... Regardless, WELCOME TO MY LIFE! :)