Saturday, December 10, 2011

Placebo Effect = Hope??? Maybe......

Life is interesting at best, and interesting at worst.  Basically, it's just interesting.  I've had a couple of breakthroughs, a week apart.  I came to some realizations on why I feel the way I do about certain things and certain people and certain events.

There have been many years that I was jealous of death of other people.  They are done with this life, and can move on to bigger and better things.  They don't have the physical pain that is so draining and depressing (at least I hope they don't!)  I feel that they have a better perspective, or the possibility of a better perspective of life and the differences between Earth and where they are.  I wanted for so long to be done with all of it, but mostly because I had hoped that maybe there would be a fondness or a slight concern from those who should care, or anyone really.  It's depressing that there are so many people in this world, and I felt for my entire life that there wasn't anyone who cared what happened to me.  If for a moment I felt that someone did care, then I would latch onto them and cling for dear life since it felt so good to be .... accepted?  Or even semi-valued.

Today I realized that I have never felt any worth from anyone.  Mostly because my dad had been married before and all I had ever heard about was how incredible Millie was.  She was friendly, a great cook, the best mom, the best at everything, she loved her kids and they didn't doubt it one bit, her grandchildren were her life, and so were her flowers and home and husband.  Enter her death and marriage number two that shouldn't have taken place, especially so quickly.  A child that was wanted in theory, but in reality was too much.  I would spend days singing songs to Millie as a child, begging wishing hoping to meet her and be her child.  I wasn't ever good enough for anyone to love or even like.  The girls in my family were beautiful, talented, spiritual, incredible, and couldn't do any wrong.  Then there was the girl who was bigger, not as attractive, "spoiled" (money instead of time), and a failure at learning, doing, or reading minds to know what was expected or even HOW to do things.  I was a disappointment, a beggar, an embarrassment.  Those are heavy things for a kid to grow up with.  Then you have the reinforcement from relationships as you get older.

The most difficult thing is, once you have these realizations, THEN WHAT?  Where do you go with them and where do you put them?  Who is safe to talk to and how are you going to not sabotage every relationship you have with your unworthiness?

I've done some research and started taking an herb at the suggestion of a friend.  It's called 5HTP and whether it's a placebo effect or it's really working, I don't care which at this point, I'm finally feeling a small glimmer of what might be hope.  The anxiety is making me crazy, but it's seeming to dull a little bit.  The depression is hard to manage right now, but there may be a little bit of lightening up on that as well.  The body pain is lessening....... or maybe because I have a bad cold right now, I have to sleep more.  I don't care as long as I can kick all of this.  Life is overwhelming and I'm tired of dragging my family through the mire while I'm sinking...............

How long can placebo effect last?  Well, we are going to find out soon! :)   

Monday, November 14, 2011

The Truth Is..... Better Off Dead

So much has happened since I last posted.

I GOT MARRIED!!!!!!!!    To the most incredible guy in the world.  I have been blessed with so much more than I deserve.  Fantastic husband, 2 bonus kids, a suburban to carry the family,  what more could a girl ask for?  I love him more than I ever thought possible.  I could extol his virtues forever and honestly wish I could be more like him.

I've learned a lot  as well over the past year.  Sometimes, those emotions that have been dead a long time, or past issues that you thought were over, hurt like hell when they are coming back to life.

I have a love hate relationship with October.  Beginning with August and headed into November, October is the longest month with the most chaos.  I thought it would end at some point, but this year was more of the same.  I really hoped things would be different since I have an incredible support system, and they are to some extent.  This year, I do have an incredible husband who loves and supports me.  I just feel unworthy and it's frustrating that it's not fair to him to have a wife having a nervous breakdown.  Besides, it's not attractive. :)

  • The flashbacks from the past are enough that they scare me.  They came back with a vengeance and affect me enough to want to destroy parts that were involved.  

  • The eating disorder, fear, and anxiety are back, but worse this time.  Although I recognize the signs now and am trying to stay alive enough to function.  I'm taking my .4 mg's of anti-anxiety meds just to try to keep on top of it a little bit.  (I considered admitting myself, at least until I could get things under control, but the fear of them not listening to my extremely low drug tolerance and trying to kill me holds me back. haha)

  • There was a conversation with a parent about the different things that had happened, then closeness, then the other parent died, and it's gone, but at least there's a $150 increase per month for them.

  • The other parent died, without knowing how much pain had been inflicted.  There are so many mixed emotions, but at this point, there's jealousy that they are gone and done with this life.  There's anger that no matter what harm was inflicted, there's never going to be an apology.  There's happiness that I'll never have to hear how worthless I am in this life from them again which is a bonus.

  • It's difficult to hear people speak of God's love being compared to the love your parents have for you.  If that's the case, it's very conditional and inconsistent.  

  • I guess you could say that it's a yearly hard reset along with finding out what really matters.  It's time to figure out WHAT to do with the emotions and WHERE to place them.  I thought I had forgiven a lot, but there is still so much pain involved..... and GUILT.  

  • I also physically don't feel good a lot of the time.  They've narrowed it down to the possibility of Fibromyalgia.  My kids have a parent with a chronic illness, they don't need another one.  I could have handled that part of the marriage, and did............. it was the rest that didn't work. 
  • My dream of having more children, is gone.  I had clung to that for so long and thought I was a good mother. Correction: I AM A GOOD MOTHER.  However, having more children physically is not in the cards now.  Not only because of the throw away disease, but because my body could not physically bear more children.  I'm ready to have it all just taken out and get rid of that pain as well.

I'm frustrated.  I'm hurting.  I'm sad.  I'm angry.  I'm devastated.  I'm a myriad of emotions right now and none of them feel right.  None of them feel productive and all of them have to be kept hidden, at least from the children.  They would be pumped for information and it's not fair to them.

My life isn't any worse than anyone else's, but there's still a part of me that feels that none of these things should make a difference in how I function.  It's not like they are new.  I suppose it's because they've been buried for so long.

The Truth is................... Better Off Dead, (at least in the emotions department.)