Monday, November 14, 2011

The Truth Is..... Better Off Dead

So much has happened since I last posted.

I GOT MARRIED!!!!!!!!    To the most incredible guy in the world.  I have been blessed with so much more than I deserve.  Fantastic husband, 2 bonus kids, a suburban to carry the family,  what more could a girl ask for?  I love him more than I ever thought possible.  I could extol his virtues forever and honestly wish I could be more like him.

I've learned a lot  as well over the past year.  Sometimes, those emotions that have been dead a long time, or past issues that you thought were over, hurt like hell when they are coming back to life.

I have a love hate relationship with October.  Beginning with August and headed into November, October is the longest month with the most chaos.  I thought it would end at some point, but this year was more of the same.  I really hoped things would be different since I have an incredible support system, and they are to some extent.  This year, I do have an incredible husband who loves and supports me.  I just feel unworthy and it's frustrating that it's not fair to him to have a wife having a nervous breakdown.  Besides, it's not attractive. :)

  • The flashbacks from the past are enough that they scare me.  They came back with a vengeance and affect me enough to want to destroy parts that were involved.  

  • The eating disorder, fear, and anxiety are back, but worse this time.  Although I recognize the signs now and am trying to stay alive enough to function.  I'm taking my .4 mg's of anti-anxiety meds just to try to keep on top of it a little bit.  (I considered admitting myself, at least until I could get things under control, but the fear of them not listening to my extremely low drug tolerance and trying to kill me holds me back. haha)

  • There was a conversation with a parent about the different things that had happened, then closeness, then the other parent died, and it's gone, but at least there's a $150 increase per month for them.

  • The other parent died, without knowing how much pain had been inflicted.  There are so many mixed emotions, but at this point, there's jealousy that they are gone and done with this life.  There's anger that no matter what harm was inflicted, there's never going to be an apology.  There's happiness that I'll never have to hear how worthless I am in this life from them again which is a bonus.

  • It's difficult to hear people speak of God's love being compared to the love your parents have for you.  If that's the case, it's very conditional and inconsistent.  

  • I guess you could say that it's a yearly hard reset along with finding out what really matters.  It's time to figure out WHAT to do with the emotions and WHERE to place them.  I thought I had forgiven a lot, but there is still so much pain involved..... and GUILT.  

  • I also physically don't feel good a lot of the time.  They've narrowed it down to the possibility of Fibromyalgia.  My kids have a parent with a chronic illness, they don't need another one.  I could have handled that part of the marriage, and did............. it was the rest that didn't work. 
  • My dream of having more children, is gone.  I had clung to that for so long and thought I was a good mother. Correction: I AM A GOOD MOTHER.  However, having more children physically is not in the cards now.  Not only because of the throw away disease, but because my body could not physically bear more children.  I'm ready to have it all just taken out and get rid of that pain as well.

I'm frustrated.  I'm hurting.  I'm sad.  I'm angry.  I'm devastated.  I'm a myriad of emotions right now and none of them feel right.  None of them feel productive and all of them have to be kept hidden, at least from the children.  They would be pumped for information and it's not fair to them.

My life isn't any worse than anyone else's, but there's still a part of me that feels that none of these things should make a difference in how I function.  It's not like they are new.  I suppose it's because they've been buried for so long.

The Truth is................... Better Off Dead, (at least in the emotions department.)