Saturday, December 10, 2011

Placebo Effect = Hope??? Maybe......

Life is interesting at best, and interesting at worst.  Basically, it's just interesting.  I've had a couple of breakthroughs, a week apart.  I came to some realizations on why I feel the way I do about certain things and certain people and certain events.

There have been many years that I was jealous of death of other people.  They are done with this life, and can move on to bigger and better things.  They don't have the physical pain that is so draining and depressing (at least I hope they don't!)  I feel that they have a better perspective, or the possibility of a better perspective of life and the differences between Earth and where they are.  I wanted for so long to be done with all of it, but mostly because I had hoped that maybe there would be a fondness or a slight concern from those who should care, or anyone really.  It's depressing that there are so many people in this world, and I felt for my entire life that there wasn't anyone who cared what happened to me.  If for a moment I felt that someone did care, then I would latch onto them and cling for dear life since it felt so good to be .... accepted?  Or even semi-valued.

Today I realized that I have never felt any worth from anyone.  Mostly because my dad had been married before and all I had ever heard about was how incredible Millie was.  She was friendly, a great cook, the best mom, the best at everything, she loved her kids and they didn't doubt it one bit, her grandchildren were her life, and so were her flowers and home and husband.  Enter her death and marriage number two that shouldn't have taken place, especially so quickly.  A child that was wanted in theory, but in reality was too much.  I would spend days singing songs to Millie as a child, begging wishing hoping to meet her and be her child.  I wasn't ever good enough for anyone to love or even like.  The girls in my family were beautiful, talented, spiritual, incredible, and couldn't do any wrong.  Then there was the girl who was bigger, not as attractive, "spoiled" (money instead of time), and a failure at learning, doing, or reading minds to know what was expected or even HOW to do things.  I was a disappointment, a beggar, an embarrassment.  Those are heavy things for a kid to grow up with.  Then you have the reinforcement from relationships as you get older.

The most difficult thing is, once you have these realizations, THEN WHAT?  Where do you go with them and where do you put them?  Who is safe to talk to and how are you going to not sabotage every relationship you have with your unworthiness?

I've done some research and started taking an herb at the suggestion of a friend.  It's called 5HTP and whether it's a placebo effect or it's really working, I don't care which at this point, I'm finally feeling a small glimmer of what might be hope.  The anxiety is making me crazy, but it's seeming to dull a little bit.  The depression is hard to manage right now, but there may be a little bit of lightening up on that as well.  The body pain is lessening....... or maybe because I have a bad cold right now, I have to sleep more.  I don't care as long as I can kick all of this.  Life is overwhelming and I'm tired of dragging my family through the mire while I'm sinking...............

How long can placebo effect last?  Well, we are going to find out soon! :)