Decisions...

There are so many decisions placed on young children. I honestly don't know how they have the ability to decide some very difficult things when they don't understand the consequences yet.

At 7, I was asked by the judge who I wanted to live with. My mom or my dad. At 7, I looked at both of them and picked the one who seemed the saddest. My mom. I found out later that the judge was blind and wanted to get a feel for the situation. That was one of the scariest things to go through at that age, a courtroom, where both parents had the potential of being hurt, and I was the cause.

However, I think if the judge would have been able to see clearly, I would have been put in foster care. I was told numerous times that if anyone would have seen the conditions that I lived in, I would have been taken in a heartbeat. Growing up in it, you don't see it as bad, it's life and normal. Yes, I wished I had a different life, but I couldn't change it, so I lived for the moments when I could be with other family members who had a "real" family.

Another decision I made, was figuring out a game plan on what to do in the event of anything happening. I remember at 8, I woke up on the side of the freeway, in the car, with my mom no where in site. I started to formulate a plan. I knew we were just off the exit somewhere, so I just hoped someone good would stop and pick me up. After what seemed like eternity, my mom showed back up, having been in a police car behind me. I couldn't see her, and honestly, I don't think I really cared other than being scared of what the future would hold.

That wasn't the first time that had happened. I seemed to always be locked in somewhere, and she wasn't there...

It's funny the things that you remember that could be construed as so many things other than love.

*The purpose of this blog is not for sympathy or pity, it's for discovery and helping others. If by my pain, someone else can be healed, then I have served my purpose. I know that sounds dramatic, but the reality is, that is how I am. I have in myself a desire to take other's pain. Not that I want it, but I don't want them to suffer and be in pain.*