First Weekend Alone...

I must say that this weekend has me in survival/freakout mode. The closer I get to the time I have to take my kids to their dad, the more anxiety I experience. I'm half tempted to tell everyone I know to be on alert for a call that I can't do it, and to come rescue me.

This is my first weekend alone since the big discoveries of why I can't stand forced solitude. Most of the discoveries have to do with abandonment as a very young child, others are from the mind games others have played. However, the fear runs deep, and has for so long. 33 years is a LONG time to deal with monsters in the dark that are unidentifiable. Some of the monsters are silly, and if I wasn't the one dealing with them, I may blow them off, or offer different solutions. Other's are real demons that attack every fiber of my being. Now that I can see them on paper, and know that it's me, it's so real and... terrifying.

I have my baby doll, and will be grabbing a stuffed animal soon. I'll be staying at an undisclosed location, so no one can rescue me unknowningly, unless I need them too. It may seem drastic, but I'll feel safer somewhere else and close to people who know what's going on, for this first round. I hope I will anyway.

I have to conquer this. Realistically, I won't be getting married again anytime soon, and eventually, my kids will grow up and leave the nest. What a daunting thought! :( Also, the more I think about the reasons I have to do this, the more angry I get. Maybe the anger will overcome the fear. Maybe.

Wish me luck!