A year ago, I had taken most of my family out of my life. Not out of malice or hate, I just couldn't deal with everything that was going on in life, and watch their interactions, too.
A neighbor was sending hate mail once again. Why? Who knows? I think I had the privilege of being the lucky one to receive their jealousy, anger, and judgement. Over the past couple of years, I've been accused of everything, from being an adulterer, a hussy, selling myself online, a bad parent, a horrible yard keeper, and the others went unread. However, I'm sure the local police station got a kick out of them, since the writer chose to use a typewriter and be anonymous. I only chose to take them in, since I'm not the only one who receives them, and would feel horrible if someone decided to end their life due to the absolute brutality of them.
At the same time, my own mother decided to disown me, my boyfriend at the time decided monogamy and honesty were too difficult to maintain, someone hacked into my computer/broke into my house to download things onto my laptop, my children started anxiety attacks over going to school every morning, I was trying to get into the local university, we all had swine flu, I had a horrible illness on top of that, lost 10 pounds and had a fever for a month, and still had to live life normally.
I think I lost my mind for a while, or at least my Bishop thought I was going to, since he had me coming in for sanity checks quite a bit. One of my brother's happened to call on a not good day, and got the brunt of what was happening. He came over and changed my locks and helped me with some safety measures for windows. I was relieved, but still was paranoid. Another day, my dad decided to call and start in with his smart remarks, luckily I was delirious with fever so I got away with telling him EVERYTHING that was going on and he actually had some sympathy. My other brother called and thought I was insane, however he understood why.
Why opt to remove my family? Because of a lot of reasons:
The ones who could do something, wouldn't. And the ones who would do something, were too far away to do anything.
I think it was the most devastatingly LONELY time in my life. I've never felt so alone... NO ONE could help me do anything. No one could come over, for fear of getting sick. I had a couple neighbors who brought us dinner, and a couple who helped with laundry, which I am grateful for. However, I couldn't allow the young women to come and help with cleaning my house. If my suspicions on who wrote hate mail to me were correct, then they would be questioned when they got home, and I'd receive even more. It wasn't fair to them and I wasn't in the frame of mind to deal with more... life.
I couldn't handle all the dysfunction that had come out into the open. I was tired of feeling the odd man out in a family that I was apart of, but had always wished I was in. When it came down to it, I was on my own from the beginning, and I had just realized it. It was a difficult pill to swallow and completely unfair. I loved them so much, and yet, wasn't a part of their lives in the way I wanted to be.
Now that I'm learning more about love, the walls are coming down, bit by crumbling bit. I'm crying more than I did. I'm feeling more than I did. I'm able to actually think I might be ok to be around them and let them in.
More baby steps..............
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