Tuesday, June 29, 2010

My Baby...

Apparently, somewhere between the time I was 0 and 18 months old, something happened. (That would be the Erickson Theory based on Trust vs. Mistrust.) I couldn't trust my parents to take care of me. I couldn't trust anyone to do it really, and still don't. Attachment to a person is a necessity for growth in humans. We have to have that to be secure in our environment. Hence, the insecurity. Maybe my parents loved as best as they could with they abilities they had been given, but it still wasn't secure or a good way.

I went to my counselor today and lost it. I hadn't been in quite a few months. Not that I didn't want to, I just didn't know how I was going to balance that with work and school and still being there for my kids. I also didn't have the mental ability to dig into more issues at that time. I'm probably crazy for doing it now, as I have the same things I'm trying to balance. I need to be healed and done with this part of my life, so that I can be a whole person for my children and the next victim, I mean spouse. :)

I attribute losing it today to a couple things really.
1. The lecture series on Human Development that my boss had me listen to, trying to get ahead for a class I was taking. Yeah, Attachment Theory, not so good when you are the direct opposite of the desired outcome.
2. Human Development the class. Listening to and learning about all the theories of how people learn and grow was a struggle. I think I felt even more dysfunctional, especially after the discussion on what was good and what was not good in your families upbringing.
3. The upcoming BBQ with family that doesn't make much of an effort, however they were as close to a real family as I could ever get, given the situation. Honestly, I don't want to go, but I will to say I did, and so my kids can get to know their relatives better.

I REALLY don't like being home alone, but only if my kids are gone. I guess it's because the "inner child" or "little girl" that I was, never had anyone there and was always alone. Tough cookies, sister, right? That's what I thought... until the realizations hit that none of it was the way it should be.

I'm sure no one thinks of the damage they do to their kids while they are raising them. Maybe instead of a college fund, we should set up a treatment fund. To fix all the things we mess up. (I give my friend Jennifer the credit for that statement. Since she is the one who told me that, and it makes complete sense.)

As a result of my earlier visit with my therapist, I get to pick out a baby doll that represents the "little girl who was alone" and a stuffed animal. The baby, I get to take care of the way I should have been. The stuffed animal is mainly for comfort when I'm alone.

It sounds silly, but hey, if it works, I'm game! So, if you see me carrying around a dolly, just leave me be. I'm taking care of big things with a baby doll and a stuffed animal. And if it works... NO, it WILL work and I'll be a better me.

Wish me luck!


  1. UPDATE: My Baby is getting all kinds of love. My daughters have decided to help in this errand, unknowingly of course. They have dressed her, found her toys, blankets, and played with her. My youngest rubs her head, and none of them let me forget she is right there.

    How blessed am I to have daughters who know their mom is struggling, and they offer help without knowing the true meaning of their help?

    Blessed beyond measure, definitely.

  2. Ally, we love you.

    1. I often ask myself if I am messing my kids lives up, there is a strong possibility that I am. :)
    2. Jody and I always say we are starting a therapy fund to go with the mission and school funds.
    3. There are a lot of theories on how our environment and genetics affect us as we develop and you can find a counselor that will tell you exactly what you want to hear. The reality is that you have earned the right to resolve your concerns anyway you want to. Doll in hand or not you do what you have to and know that we will support you any way we can.
    4. Regardless of how you may feel, I recognize strength in you and depth of character. Obviously you are not perfect and if you are anything like me you might even look back and see that you are a bit self-destructive. You will work this all out I promise.

    Love from SoCal: xoxoxoxoxoxo

  3. Thank you Will. I love you two as well and appreciate all the support and love you have for my children and myself. :)

    Love back from BFE :)