I went to my counselor today and lost it. I hadn't been in quite a few months. Not that I didn't want to, I just didn't know how I was going to balance that with work and school and still being there for my kids. I also didn't have the mental ability to dig into more issues at that time. I'm probably crazy for doing it now, as I have the same things I'm trying to balance. I need to be healed and done with this part of my life, so that I can be a whole person for my children and the next victim, I mean spouse. :)
I attribute losing it today to a couple things really.
1. The lecture series on Human Development that my boss had me listen to, trying to get ahead for a class I was taking. Yeah, Attachment Theory, not so good when you are the direct opposite of the desired outcome.
2. Human Development the class. Listening to and learning about all the theories of how people learn and grow was a struggle. I think I felt even more dysfunctional, especially after the discussion on what was good and what was not good in your families upbringing.
3. The upcoming BBQ with family that doesn't make much of an effort, however they were as close to a real family as I could ever get, given the situation. Honestly, I don't want to go, but I will to say I did, and so my kids can get to know their relatives better.
I REALLY don't like being home alone, but only if my kids are gone. I guess it's because the "inner child" or "little girl" that I was, never had anyone there and was always alone. Tough cookies, sister, right? That's what I thought... until the realizations hit that none of it was the way it should be.
I'm sure no one thinks of the damage they do to their kids while they are raising them. Maybe instead of a college fund, we should set up a treatment fund. To fix all the things we mess up. (I give my friend Jennifer the credit for that statement. Since she is the one who told me that, and it makes complete sense.)
As a result of my earlier visit with my therapist, I get to pick out a baby doll that represents the "little girl who was alone" and a stuffed animal. The baby, I get to take care of the way I should have been. The stuffed animal is mainly for comfort when I'm alone.
It sounds silly, but hey, if it works, I'm game! So, if you see me carrying around a dolly, just leave me be. I'm taking care of big things with a baby doll and a stuffed animal. And if it works... NO, it WILL work and I'll be a better me.
Wish me luck!