Randomness

I can hear the gravel under my feet and still feel the arm around my neck and see the fist coming towards my face.  It didn't connect, but it came close several times as he drug me to the house.  The words echo in my head, like a continuous round.  "I don't want you, nobody wants you."  I wished deep inside that it would just be done and over.  It didn't matter at that point.  I had been in survival mode since I was very young and was tired.  I was only 17 and I was done.

Even now, the thoughts go through my mind, especially lately.  I know it's bad programming, but sometimes the tapes that replay, require more than just a delete button.  I'm still trying to figure out how to destroy them permanently.

Tonight was a long drive.  I'd just spent the weekend living my dream.  I was mommy to a big family.  My friend and her husband had gone out of town, and I'd volunteered to watch their kids.  I loved every minute of it!    The only thing missing was a permanent husband.  Though it was nice to have some kind of normalcy to life again.

This friend is one of my best.  I see her and know that she loves me.  She is one of several that when I get a hug from her, I lose it.  I'm so thankful for her in my life and know that my Father in Heaven has given her to me as a special gift.  Her husband is gracious enough to share her, and for that I am very thankful.

Tonight, I needed a hug, and sure enough, I lost it.  I needed to cry harder and longer, but of course I didn't have time for it.  We sat on her bed and she listened as I explained the latest issues and concerns.  I've been a mess ever since trying to figure things out in my head, between our conversation and other things that are going on.

I held back the tears the whole way home, since my kids were awake.  I really wanted a decompression drive, but the roads weren't friendly.

My friend Ms. Awesome called not long after I got home, talk about inspiration.  I don't remember what she told me, but I broke down completely.  I do remember her telling me to write what she said down and to pray about it.  I think it was something along the lines of being in this place at this time for a reason.


I guess it's time to pray and mean it....