I guess you could call it a "HARD RESET...."

I was talking to my therapist friend yesterday and bragging about the 7 pounds I'd lost............... in one week.  :) So exciting!  Except for how it had happened. Apparently there's a right and wrong way to deal with stress and anxiety.  Not eating isn't one of them. lol  BUT what happens if you eat, and you still get sick?

When I'm stressed out my body reacts to food in one of two ways:  moderate stress = eating, severe stress = not eating, or extreme consequences when I do.  When the extreme consequences happen, it's in the form of hanging out in the bathroom until my body stops rejecting the nourishment it needs.  It had gotten so bad this week, that even the thought of eating was making me sick.  Not exactly the example I want to set for my girls, especially when they ask me if I'm eating, or I tell them I'm sick.

I went into my therapist to try to figure out WHY eating disorders are something I've struggled with my whole life.  I didn't really think of it as a disorder, BUT it is.  I've watched family members deal with them, though I don't know that any of us realized what it was.  My sister in law survived on burnt toast and Tang for years.   We were all very thin, but I don't think any of us thought we were.  There were comments made through our inner circles, about weight and appearance, though always compliments from the outside circles.  I don't know that any of us realized how detrimental they would be to our physical or mental health.  I sincerely don't blame anyone for any of it, in retrospect, I think it's amazing how little comments can affect a person so adversely.  Heaven help me with my own girls.....

  The thought of food gave me anxiety, especially if it was in public or around my boyfriend or friends.  I felt that everyone criticized my eating habits, even though I did eat.  I also still can't stand the texture of many foods, as certain panic attacks where they are involved produced the programming of wanting to vomit.  I've had issues with certain foods for years, but couldn't figure out why the texture would do it.  It was only yogurt, jell-o, or other smooth foods, no big deal, right?  When I had mentioned that to Sharon one time, she said the texture of it was skin like.  Makes perfect sense.

This time however, it goes much deeper.

 I have an amazing man in my life, that I love, but I went into freak out mode.  We both need to figure things out, so we aren't together anymore right now.  The freak out mode was started by a trigger, and went downhill from there.  We've talked and decided it was good to get our lives figured out a little more, and then if it's right, try again later.

In talking to a friend about it, she made a very good point.  "Since no one who was supposed to love you, loved you or could love you, and you don't know how it feels to actually be loved, do you maybe feel you aren't worthy to be loved?"

I cried............. at work.  Ok, not cry cry, but there were tears in my eyes as I read that and it struck deep.  That's it!  I don't feel worthy to be loved.  Not by my family, not by anyone, other than my children.  At least I have them and am ok with their love.

What does all of this have to do with food?  Well, I wondered, too.   By the time this conversation took place, I was starting to get concerned about my food issues.  I made an appointment with Sharon as soon as I could get in, and hoped I was literally not hospitalized by then.  In asking her about it, she stated that food is a "nurturing thing."  It helps us to grow, be safe, fulfill our responsibilities, live, breathe, have strength..... and the list goes on.

BINGO.

Since I'm not worthy to have love, why should I have nuturing, too?  It's a self-punishment of sorts.  It's as though my mind is set to reject anything that could give the appearance of love or nurturing.  Apparently individual worth is a BIG deal.

I remember a time when I was married and we were on the verge of divorce (one of many times.)  I couldn't eat at all.  I was 95 lbs then and had probably lost about 10 more lbs.  If he couldn't love me, then I didn't deserve to live.  That was my thinking.  Unfortunately, I've had those thinking errors my whole life.

It's odd to me now, to think of that time, and all the other times, and realize how it affected the major decisions in my life and who I catered to in order to feel WORTHY of love.


How can we change this for others?  Surely I'm not the only one out there.......


* PS - It's babysteps eating now........ I consider myself fortunate to get 1/4 of a sandwich down and not go running to the bathroom afterwards.  I'm drinking water, as that is about the only thing that has staying power. I guess you could say this is a "HARD RESET" of my life.  I have to completely re-program my body and mind, heart and soul to a completely different way of thinking.