My friend Eric, decided he didn't want to spend the holiday's with his siblings, since his father passed away a couple months ago. He invited other single friends to go with him to California. I didn't have my kids, so I jumped at the opportunity to get away. Little did I know how hard it would be.
First off, trying to process certain things was tricky while going to Disney Land and having fun in general. Secondly, I miss my kids more than anything. (Yes, as I type this, I am still in California and should be sleeping since we are getting up early to drive back.) Third, I miss normalcy and family gatherings at Thanksgiving. It wasn't my Thanksgiving to have my kids, but I still miss them. Especially since I found out that a certain family member was once again, more comfortable planning time with my ex and children instead of planning with me. It's like daggers in my heart.
There are some things I struggle with the most, and that is one of them. I've been under the impression that they are supposed to stick together, the whole blood is thicker than water thing. Apparently, I've been wrong. It's ok............. but very hurtful.
I miss having a purpose outside of survival and taking care of my babies. I miss so many things right now. I really just want to hole up and hibernate somewhere.
I'm staying in my dark room out of necessity. If I don't, I won't be able to work through things enough to be healthy, in mind, body, and spirit.
Yes, my body still hates me. It's embarrassing to be sick all the time. Dating, I think is non-existent now, and for a good reason. I really don't want to inflict any of this on anyone, I don't know that I can trust them to handle it. Another problem.
Calgon.............. take me away...............
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