Borderline..........

There are so many things in my heart.  Confusion, pain, frustration, and a deep sadness.  Sometimes I think it's not fair the things that we do to our children that cause them to develop behaviors that can be detrimental.  Many times these things aren't intentional, and I certainly don't blame my parents for parenting and thinking errors they have due to the way they were raised.  I do have a firm determination to do my best to rectify the damage.  I also pray, with every fiber of my being, that my children will know how much I love and cherish them.

I have heard once that sometimes it takes a special, chosen generation to end the vicious cycles of abuse.   In my family, I don't know that anyone knows how far back the cycles went.

I had the opportunity to see Sharon tonight, which I needed desperately.  So much has happened, that really isn't much, but it's of significance.

A.  The holidays are here, and this year I'm a complete scrooge.  It makes me sad that I don't have the usual enthusiasm for them.  Generally, I love the holidays and the lights.  Yet, this year, my tree is up, but nothing is on it but lights.  It's not even plugged in.  I haven't had time or energy to focus on it, which depresses me more.  Not to mention, Christmas will be slim this year.  I don't mind, as I sincerely want my children to understand the true meaning of this season.

B.  I was ordered to fill out the eating disorder papers to try to determine the severity of this problem.  My bishop spoke with Sharon and he is very concerned.  Unfortunately, I get to be one of those people who teach others by example, so he's learning a lot from one person.  Nothing like facing a little more reality.  I guess the good news is, I'm borderline.  I'm not necessarily an eating disorder client... but probably balancing on a delicate line that could go either way.  I don't mind feeling hungry, in fact, I guess it reminds me that I'm still alive.  It doesn't mean I enjoy it either though.  I don't like being scrutinized over my lack of appetite.  Sharon said, "Some people eat to live, other's live to eat.  YOU eat to live."  There's so much truth in that.  I think I've been in survival mode for the past 33 years, and don't know quite how to get out of it.  I am concerned since I know actual physical damage can come from the stress of these issues, but at the same time, I don't know what to do about it.  There is no glory in being dysfunctional.  Nothing exciting in fighting the urge to run from the table in front of friends, or freaking out because there is a chance that everyone will be asking you why you aren't eating or why you can't look at them eating.

C.  Another betrayal.  The person who created me, chose to spend time with people other than me for the holidays.  It's ok, but it hurts that she would chose someone whom she detested in a previous life, and my children, over making the effort to contact me.  Apparently, Christmas will be the same.  It shouldn't be a shock to the system.  It's the lack of stability that is devastating.  Never being able to depend on those you should be able to depend on is a tough pill to swallow.  I know other people have it so much worse than I do.  I'm not complaining.... just tired and frustrated.  One minute she comes to my home, hugs me, and tells me she loves me.  The next she can't bear the thought of communicating with me.

D.  It's the week before finals.  "Nuff said.




"Borderline … feels like I'm goin' to lose my mind
You just keep on pushin' my love over the borderline"   

Madonna "Borderline" 

Thanksgiving by the sea

My friend Eric, decided he didn't want to spend the holiday's with his siblings, since his father passed away a couple months ago.  He invited other single friends to go with him to California.  I didn't have my kids, so I jumped at the opportunity to get away.  Little did I know how hard it would be.

First off, trying to process certain things was tricky while going to Disney Land and having fun in general.  Secondly, I miss my kids more than anything.  (Yes, as I type this, I am still in California and should be sleeping since we are getting up early to drive back.)  Third, I miss normalcy and family gatherings at Thanksgiving.  It wasn't my Thanksgiving to have my kids, but I still miss them.  Especially since I found out that a certain family member was once again, more comfortable planning time with my ex and children instead of planning with me.  It's like daggers in my heart.

There are some things I struggle with the most, and that is one of them.  I've been under the impression that they are supposed to stick together, the whole blood is thicker than water thing.  Apparently, I've been wrong.  It's ok............. but very hurtful.

I miss having a purpose outside of survival and taking care of my babies.  I miss so many things right now.  I really just want to hole up and hibernate somewhere.

I'm staying in my dark room out of necessity.  If I don't, I won't be able to work through things enough to be healthy, in mind, body, and spirit.

Yes, my body still hates me.  It's embarrassing to be sick all the time.  Dating, I think is non-existent now, and for a good reason.  I really don't want to inflict any of this on anyone, I don't know that I can trust them to handle it.  Another problem.


Calgon.............. take me away...............

Figured it out..... That's half the battle.

I've been sooooooooo mean the past couple days.  TMI moment:  I blew it off as PMS.  However, I had a moment to think tonight and try to pinpoint why I felt so mean.  Life is hard.  Point Blank.  My kids are sick, I haven't felt the best, my kids would say, "as usual."  I have been eating, but my body has decided it hates me again.  All good reasons to be mean.  Add in financial issues, the impending holidays, and future mini-vacation with friends to avoid the loneliness of the holidays.  No reason to be mean at all.  

Then it hit me.  There was an episode recently that was perfect for sending a trigger.  It was a lack of respect from someone I respected greatly, even loved greatly.  Yet, this happened after it had been discussed before, and it was in front of my kids.... AGAIN.  Nothing happened to warrant severe action, but it still caused a mental/emotional response that's been very powerful.

It took me a week, to the day, but I figured it out.  The hardest thing about that, is knowing you feel off, yet not knowing why.  I've had several people ask me if I was ok, and I say yes.  I can't even begin to describe why I don't feel 100 % OK.

Now to figure out where to put the emotions and how to deal with them.  Does this part of healing from past and present always precede the food issue?  I have no idea, but I guess we'll find out.....

What I did learn was:

I have power to change a situation that made me uncomfortable.
 I also have to change the thinking errors that are already in process to prevent situations that make me uncomfortable from happening.  So much easier said than done.
I LOVE guacamole.  This is about the only food that sounds good and is worth the purchase.

 I'm hoping to process this during my mini-vacation.



More baby steps........

Randomness

I can hear the gravel under my feet and still feel the arm around my neck and see the fist coming towards my face.  It didn't connect, but it came close several times as he drug me to the house.  The words echo in my head, like a continuous round.  "I don't want you, nobody wants you."  I wished deep inside that it would just be done and over.  It didn't matter at that point.  I had been in survival mode since I was very young and was tired.  I was only 17 and I was done.

Even now, the thoughts go through my mind, especially lately.  I know it's bad programming, but sometimes the tapes that replay, require more than just a delete button.  I'm still trying to figure out how to destroy them permanently.

Tonight was a long drive.  I'd just spent the weekend living my dream.  I was mommy to a big family.  My friend and her husband had gone out of town, and I'd volunteered to watch their kids.  I loved every minute of it!    The only thing missing was a permanent husband.  Though it was nice to have some kind of normalcy to life again.

This friend is one of my best.  I see her and know that she loves me.  She is one of several that when I get a hug from her, I lose it.  I'm so thankful for her in my life and know that my Father in Heaven has given her to me as a special gift.  Her husband is gracious enough to share her, and for that I am very thankful.

Tonight, I needed a hug, and sure enough, I lost it.  I needed to cry harder and longer, but of course I didn't have time for it.  We sat on her bed and she listened as I explained the latest issues and concerns.  I've been a mess ever since trying to figure things out in my head, between our conversation and other things that are going on.

I held back the tears the whole way home, since my kids were awake.  I really wanted a decompression drive, but the roads weren't friendly.

My friend Ms. Awesome called not long after I got home, talk about inspiration.  I don't remember what she told me, but I broke down completely.  I do remember her telling me to write what she said down and to pray about it.  I think it was something along the lines of being in this place at this time for a reason.


I guess it's time to pray and mean it....

I guess you could call it a "HARD RESET...."

I was talking to my therapist friend yesterday and bragging about the 7 pounds I'd lost............... in one week.  :) So exciting!  Except for how it had happened. Apparently there's a right and wrong way to deal with stress and anxiety.  Not eating isn't one of them. lol  BUT what happens if you eat, and you still get sick?

When I'm stressed out my body reacts to food in one of two ways:  moderate stress = eating, severe stress = not eating, or extreme consequences when I do.  When the extreme consequences happen, it's in the form of hanging out in the bathroom until my body stops rejecting the nourishment it needs.  It had gotten so bad this week, that even the thought of eating was making me sick.  Not exactly the example I want to set for my girls, especially when they ask me if I'm eating, or I tell them I'm sick.

I went into my therapist to try to figure out WHY eating disorders are something I've struggled with my whole life.  I didn't really think of it as a disorder, BUT it is.  I've watched family members deal with them, though I don't know that any of us realized what it was.  My sister in law survived on burnt toast and Tang for years.   We were all very thin, but I don't think any of us thought we were.  There were comments made through our inner circles, about weight and appearance, though always compliments from the outside circles.  I don't know that any of us realized how detrimental they would be to our physical or mental health.  I sincerely don't blame anyone for any of it, in retrospect, I think it's amazing how little comments can affect a person so adversely.  Heaven help me with my own girls.....

  The thought of food gave me anxiety, especially if it was in public or around my boyfriend or friends.  I felt that everyone criticized my eating habits, even though I did eat.  I also still can't stand the texture of many foods, as certain panic attacks where they are involved produced the programming of wanting to vomit.  I've had issues with certain foods for years, but couldn't figure out why the texture would do it.  It was only yogurt, jell-o, or other smooth foods, no big deal, right?  When I had mentioned that to Sharon one time, she said the texture of it was skin like.  Makes perfect sense.

This time however, it goes much deeper.

 I have an amazing man in my life, that I love, but I went into freak out mode.  We both need to figure things out, so we aren't together anymore right now.  The freak out mode was started by a trigger, and went downhill from there.  We've talked and decided it was good to get our lives figured out a little more, and then if it's right, try again later.

In talking to a friend about it, she made a very good point.  "Since no one who was supposed to love you, loved you or could love you, and you don't know how it feels to actually be loved, do you maybe feel you aren't worthy to be loved?"

I cried............. at work.  Ok, not cry cry, but there were tears in my eyes as I read that and it struck deep.  That's it!  I don't feel worthy to be loved.  Not by my family, not by anyone, other than my children.  At least I have them and am ok with their love.

What does all of this have to do with food?  Well, I wondered, too.   By the time this conversation took place, I was starting to get concerned about my food issues.  I made an appointment with Sharon as soon as I could get in, and hoped I was literally not hospitalized by then.  In asking her about it, she stated that food is a "nurturing thing."  It helps us to grow, be safe, fulfill our responsibilities, live, breathe, have strength..... and the list goes on.

BINGO.

Since I'm not worthy to have love, why should I have nuturing, too?  It's a self-punishment of sorts.  It's as though my mind is set to reject anything that could give the appearance of love or nurturing.  Apparently individual worth is a BIG deal.

I remember a time when I was married and we were on the verge of divorce (one of many times.)  I couldn't eat at all.  I was 95 lbs then and had probably lost about 10 more lbs.  If he couldn't love me, then I didn't deserve to live.  That was my thinking.  Unfortunately, I've had those thinking errors my whole life.

It's odd to me now, to think of that time, and all the other times, and realize how it affected the major decisions in my life and who I catered to in order to feel WORTHY of love.


How can we change this for others?  Surely I'm not the only one out there.......


* PS - It's babysteps eating now........ I consider myself fortunate to get 1/4 of a sandwich down and not go running to the bathroom afterwards.  I'm drinking water, as that is about the only thing that has staying power. I guess you could say this is a "HARD RESET" of my life.  I have to completely re-program my body and mind, heart and soul to a completely different way of thinking.

Triggers

There are many good days anymore.  However, once in a while, there are some doozies, that end up turning into more than a day, but weeks.  There are events that happen to cause unwanted effects.  Mine are in the form of panic attacks, or anxiety if you will.  Many times, it's outright fear.

I went to a specialized group for abused women and learned many things.  I, along with some of the other girls, couldn't figure out why random emotions would hit.  We would have a good week, then BAM, complete devastation in one way or another.

The past week and a half have been that way.  Not sure exactly what triggered the emotions, but it apparently was enough to cause some issues.

I don't mind when people ask what happened, or what the abuse was.  However, there were so many instances of so many different natures, that it's hard to pinpoint it down to one instance.  For example, someone could touch me, and it would send me spinning into the reactions of a previous event.  Although, it takes a while to pinpoint exactly what the event was.  It's blocked somehow from memory, and all you know is the reaction you have, even though it doesn't make sense.  There are times that it happens with someone you love, and you can't figure out why it would happen.  The reaction doesn't make sense........

This week, I think it's time for another trip to my therapist to try to sort it out.  Another step of healing is apparently in the works, and demanding attention.

Families are Forever and other fun trials...

A year ago, I had taken most of my family out of my life. Not out of malice or hate, I just couldn't deal with everything that was going on in life, and watch their interactions, too.

A neighbor was sending hate mail once again. Why? Who knows? I think I had the privilege of being the lucky one to receive their jealousy, anger, and judgement. Over the past couple of years, I've been accused of everything, from being an adulterer, a hussy, selling myself online, a bad parent, a horrible yard keeper, and the others went unread. However, I'm sure the local police station got a kick out of them, since the writer chose to use a typewriter and be anonymous. I only chose to take them in, since I'm not the only one who receives them, and would feel horrible if someone decided to end their life due to the absolute brutality of them.

At the same time, my own mother decided to disown me, my boyfriend at the time decided monogamy and honesty were too difficult to maintain, someone hacked into my computer/broke into my house to download things onto my laptop, my children started anxiety attacks over going to school every morning, I was trying to get into the local university, we all had swine flu, I had a horrible illness on top of that, lost 10 pounds and had a fever for a month, and still had to live life normally.

I think I lost my mind for a while, or at least my Bishop thought I was going to, since he had me coming in for sanity checks quite a bit. One of my brother's happened to call on a not good day, and got the brunt of what was happening. He came over and changed my locks and helped me with some safety measures for windows. I was relieved, but still was paranoid. Another day, my dad decided to call and start in with his smart remarks, luckily I was delirious with fever so I got away with telling him EVERYTHING that was going on and he actually had some sympathy. My other brother called and thought I was insane, however he understood why.

Why opt to remove my family? Because of a lot of reasons:

The ones who could do something, wouldn't. And the ones who would do something, were too far away to do anything.

I think it was the most devastatingly LONELY time in my life. I've never felt so alone... NO ONE could help me do anything. No one could come over, for fear of getting sick. I had a couple neighbors who brought us dinner, and a couple who helped with laundry, which I am grateful for. However, I couldn't allow the young women to come and help with cleaning my house. If my suspicions on who wrote hate mail to me were correct, then they would be questioned when they got home, and I'd receive even more. It wasn't fair to them and I wasn't in the frame of mind to deal with more... life.

I couldn't handle all the dysfunction that had come out into the open. I was tired of feeling the odd man out in a family that I was apart of, but had always wished I was in. When it came down to it, I was on my own from the beginning, and I had just realized it. It was a difficult pill to swallow and completely unfair. I loved them so much, and yet, wasn't a part of their lives in the way I wanted to be.

Now that I'm learning more about love, the walls are coming down, bit by crumbling bit. I'm crying more than I did. I'm feeling more than I did. I'm able to actually think I might be ok to be around them and let them in.

More baby steps..............